Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree…
The guy at the counter asked my dad "are you going to put it up yourself?" To which my dad responded "don't be disgusting… I'm going to put it in the living room."
If you are addicted to masturbation, talk to a priest.
He'll be happy to help you beat it.
Well we obviously can’t trust the word of a corrupt person that someone is corrupt
https://ift.tt/2OEEC3Z
Trump, in a rare moment of candor, reveals his penis size to President Obama.
https://ift.tt/345zdY2
This guy walks into a quiet bar.
He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced, and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" replies the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day." "Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender. Then he says to the second duck "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again." So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie." "No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles, and don't ask about my day."
What did the Mexican say when the two houses fell on him?
Get off me, homes.
Why don’t ghosts go into gyms?
Because people are exorcising.
How do you make it so no one gets offended at the Christmas song “Baby It’s Cold Outside”?
Rebrand it as a rap song and name it, "Yo Bitch, It's Freezing Outside."
A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow: Mind if I say a word?” She says: “Please do.” The man clears his throat and says: “Bargain.”
The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a great deal."
I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are: white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.
I'm hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.
I just downloaded the Bohemian Rhapsody movie.
I think it was filmed in a movie theater, though – I see a little silhouetto of a man.
Scientists got bored of watching the earth turn so after 24 hours
they called it a day
A blonde woman wants to prove she is smart.
So she dyes her hair brunette and goes out for a challenge. She finds a shepherd with a big herd, and asks him if she can guess the number of sheep in the first try and if she guesses right she could keep one of the sheep. The shepherd agrees. After a good look at the herd she thinks and tells him: 258. The shepherd in amusement that she guessed the right number, agrees to give her a sheep of her choosing. She takes another look, grabs one she liked and starts to proudly walk away. Then she hears the shepherd calling her, she turns around and he asks her: If I guess the natural color of your hair, would you give me my dog back?
I saw a guy flagging down a taxi van today.
I guess you could say he was Van Halen.
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think about a solution in silence.
Why do farmers hang bells around the necks off their cows?
Because the horns doesnt work
I have to tell my girlfriend that I don’t like the fetish she’s into…
But first I need to get some shit off my chest.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in 3 weeks
I didn't want to interrupt her
Why do keyboard never sleep?
It's because they have two Shifts.
If you only believe in 12.5% of the bible
You're an eighth theist
“My wife suffers from a drinking problem”
"Is she an alcoholic?" "No I am, but she is the one who suffers"
Two antennas on a roof fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn’t much..
But the reception was incredible!
I counted 1500 lockdown protesters in our city.
Hold on, it's 900. Edit: No, wait, it's 500.
Today I learnt that humans eat more bananas than monkeys
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey
My girlfriend usually has peanut butter toast for breakfast, but this morning we were out of bread, and she’s been grouchy all day.
I never knew she was lack-toast intolerant.
A soldier ran up to a nun.
Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed… A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."
I think my daughter has a crush on our pastor.
She talks about him religiously.
Just so everybody’s clear,
I'm going to put my glasses on.
What is this, some kind of Boomer joke that I’m too Millennial to understand?
https://ift.tt/2H77fSO
I just slipped on a banana skin.
I look ridiculous in it.
I gave up my last few hairs to wear a cheap wig.
It's a small-price toupee.
[NSFW] My office had an OSHA violation
It's Not Safe For Work
A good number of my friends are racist.
Precisely zero – and that is a good number.
I work in a hospital, and I found a rectal thermometer in my pocket today.
Some asshole must have my pen.
I tried to explain my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants,
but he's still making fun of me.
Where can you find a turtle that has no legs?
Exactly where you left it.
What do you call a dyslexic atheist?
A person who doesn't believe in dog.
Most Puns Make Me Numb
But Maths Jokes Make Me Number
A Conman, Moron and Rapist walks into a Bar
Bartender asks “What would you like, Mr. President?”
Teacher,” Tell me a sentence that starts with an ‘I’.”
Student: I is the…. Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an 'I'. Always put 'am' after an 'I'. Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
