Last Name Only
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.
“What’s your name?” he asked the new guy.
“John,” the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by his or her first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker .… That’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what’s your last name?”
The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”
“Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .”
What kind of fire leaves a room damp?
A humidifire.
Where do suicide bombers go when they die?
Fucking everywhere
How can you get to one million karma in a day?
You can, but it has to be a cakewalk
Why are physicists so serious all the time?
They understand the gravity of the situation.
Why do ducks grow feathers?
To hide their butt quacks
I’m so patriotic, I piss red white and blue.
My doctor told me it was pancreatic cancer. I told him to shut his commie mouth.
What’s Neil Armstrong’s name backwards?
Gnorts Mr Alien 👽 (Illuminati theme song playin')
A blind guy walks into a lesbian bar
But everyone’s cool about it and he’s served his drink. Then, after a few minutes he says, “Hey, bartender; wanna hear a blonde joke?” The place goes dead still. Finally the bartender says, “Look, mister, I know you’re visually challenged and all; I’m gonna cut you some slack. But there’s a few things you should know. “Sitting next to you, on your right, there’s an off-duty cop. She’s armed, and she’s a blonde. On your left you got a martial arts expert with black belts in seven different disciplines. She’s a blonde. At the table behind you, two sisters: a professional wrestling team. Both are blondes. And me, I got a .357 Magnum under the counter. I’m licensed, trained, and it’s loaded. And, you guessed it: I’m a blonde. “So I want you to choose your words carefully before you answer this question: do you still want to tell that blonde joke?” “Aw hell no. Not if I have to explain it five times!”
What did Buddha say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
I saw my wife using her phone to record her getting a haircut.
I think she’s planning to watch the highlights later.
Never have a pillow fight with Death.
Unless you're ready to handle those reaper cushions.
I still remember fondly the times dad used to roll us down the hill inside tires.
Those were the Good Years.
My son gets to play a frosted cinnamon biscuit in the school play!
It's a sweet role!
Barney Rubble’s previous wife was very weak
Which might explain why she was called "Vulner".
3 unwritten rules of life:
1. 2. 3.
Two prisoners working in the laundry room on the top floor of the jail.
After a couple hours, the guard on duty steps away to use the bathroom. The one prisoner says: "Quick, this is our chance to escape. We only have a few minutes so have to work together. You rip bedsheets into strips and I'll tie them into a rope, then we can climb down through the window. The other agrees, "Got it. I sheet, you knot."
Last night i used Vaseline with my wife and came 10 times
Once with her and 9 in the shower trying to wash it off
My very first dad joke as an actual dad.
On the day my daughter was born Nurse: We're gonna have to give her a few shots in her heel. Me: Her heel?! She's not going to be able to walk for months!
My 8yo son hit me with this one tonight before bed: “Why did the minnow cross the ocean?”
"To get to the other tide." I'm too young to be a grandfather!
A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight. After the plane takes off, the cowboy asks for a whiskey and soda, which is promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asks the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replies, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then hands his drink back to the attendant and says, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
classic
classic
My wife told me I was terrible with directions
So I packed up my things and right
What do you call a group of unvaccinated children?
A Plagueround
We should’ve known communism would fail.
There were so many red flags.
Someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick.
Seriously… How low can you go?
The guy who invented auto-correct passed away today.
Restaurant in peace
What kind of music do elfs listen to
Wrap music
Kinky in Bed
I was fucking my wife last night and she looked back and said "I'm feeling kinky!Turn off the light and stick it in my ass!" As soon as I did, she screamed! I guess maybe next time I should wait for the bulb to cool down first.
My wife just put on a dress and asked me to zip it
I'm not sure why… I wasn't even talking!
“Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!”, says a white man to a Chinese national.
"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national. "But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!" "No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"