Last Name Puns
One Saturday night, he hears a knock on the door. He answers to see a young man, who says, "Hi I'm Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?" The father nods and calls her down. After a while he hears another knock on the door. The young man says, "Hi I'm Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show. Is she ready to go?" The father nods and calls his daughter. After a while he hears another knock on the door. The young man says, "Hi I'm Chuck…" The father punches him in the face.
Maybe you should cook them longer…
For the 22nd time.
They only added the F after he died
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
"Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
Me: hindsight Professor X: that’s not going to help us Me: yes I see that now
"Chris, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit"
The mechanic waits til you've grown up to fuck you.
I know, it sounds a little far fetched.
But i like to have sex on my own Accord
And conversely, you should never scissor with the runs.
I said I wasn't ready for competitive wanking
Because light attracts bugs.
And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"
So I turned on the air conditioning.
Lawyer: "I'm not saying another word without my lawyer present." Police: "But you are the lawyer." Lawyer: "Exactly, where's my present?"
Because It would be the longest 6 months of his life.
too bad it was a waist of time.
She still isn't talking to me.
… unless they're flashing behind you.
A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet!”
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not going to get lucky that night. The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
Probably came after his second word.
…but all brooms are pretty much the same.
I said, “Don’t worry. We are all in the same boat.”
They didn’t see that well.
What is the difference between soon-to-be parents that want a girl and liquid that’s been used to clean plates?
One's dishwater… The other's wish daughter
So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria than ever