Last night, a bomb threat was called into the bar where I work. After the bomb squad gave the all clear, the owner decided all bomb shots (Vegas, Cherry, Jaeger, etc) would be on special for the rest of the night.
What does a janitor and a car have in common
They both go broom broom
I was captured by ISIS after Iran away
Now all I’m China do is to survive
“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.
“And I love you tons.” I replied. “What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed. Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.
Two days ago, I wanted to play hide and seek with kids but couldn’t
Good players are hard to find.
I hate when people ask me where i see myself in 1 year
I don’t know I don’t have 2020 vision
Do you know what the best way to build suspense is?
No text found
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, “By mistake?”
I shouted, “Oh come on! Not you too!”
There is a good chance you’ll fail your calculus exam if you are sitting between identical twins.
Because it’s hard to differentiate between them.
Another cow joke, proudly brought to you by a six year old:
What do you call a cow that’s fallen asleep at a construction site? A bulldozer.
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I really hope mailmen don’t start getting the Coronavirus
They’re really good carriers
Spot on!
https://ift.tt/35cKZB2
There are three people on a boat, all smokers. They have a total of four cigarettes, but no matches. How do they manage to smoke?
They throw one of the cigarettes overboard, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Hooters
Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other. At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why Hooters?" "They have those servers with the beautiful bosoms, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs." "You're on." At age 42, they meet and play golf again. "Where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Again? Why?" "They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games." "OK." At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters. "Why?" "The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking." "OK." At age 62 they meet again. After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy." "Good choice" At age 72 they meet again. Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts." "Great choice." At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Because we've never been there before." "Okay."
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to you lock calmly because
Communication is key
My dad is coolerblind.
you red that wrong
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in.
How do bees welcome their guests?
They buzz them in.
The wife and I decided we don’t want children.
We're telling them tomorrow.
I started a business building Yachts in my attic
Sails are through the roof.
My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex.
They’re his watch dogs!
My wife got really mad at me because I don’t have any sense of direction…
So I packed my bags and right.
My girlfriend repeatedly kept calling me a flamingo!!
So I had to put my foot down
What do you call a ghost’s boobs?
Paranormal entitties.
Ah yes… because boomers were the only ones that got injured from playing outside. 😌
https://ift.tt/340rTxe
In case you were wondering, chocolate identifies as female.
Preferred pronouns are Her/she
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
A New Yorker, a Nebraskan, a Georgian, and a Floridian were driving to Vegas…
After a few hours in the car, the Nebraskan suddenly rolls down his window, opens his bag, and starts chucking corn out the window. "What are you doing that for?", the others exclaim. "Back in Nebraska, everywhere I look I see corn. I'm going on vacation and I don't want to see any corn for a couple weeks." The Georgian replies, "you know what? You're right; I'm sick of seeing peaches all over Georgia. I don't know why I brought them with me." He opens his window and dumps his bag of peaches out. The Floridian, feeling inspired, opens the door and kicks the New Yorker out.
I Don’t Understand Why People Have Been Hating On The Police.
Roxanne is a really good song.
(P+L)(A+N) = PA+PN+LA+LN
Ha! I just foiled your plan!
Your penis so small….
That when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.
Fun(ny way put) Facts About DNA | Science Is Fun
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozq9418Cs0o&feature=youtu.be