Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.
Fuck me I'm easily lead
If someone can explain to me why my heating bills are so high..
..My door is always open.
What did the chef say when he got hit with the seasoning?
Hey! That's a salt!
Just so everyone is clear
I will put my glasses on.
My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves…
Looks like the boa cons tricked her…
What do you call a bear covered in strawberries
To be honest even I dont know u choose
Why was the borrowed money happy to be returned?
Because it wasn’t a loan anymore.
What’s the difference between a tuna, a piano, and an owl?
You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna.
What’s the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer ?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize
My wife came home from the doctors today and was looking all pleased with herself, so I asked her why she was so happy. She said, “The doctor said that for a 45 year old woman, I’ve got the breasts of an 18 year old.” I snickered, “Oh yeah and what did he say about your 45 year old ass?”
She laughed, “Your name never came up in conversation.”
My wife dated a professional clown before we started going out.
I had some big shoes to fill.
Why are gays bad at poker?
They can't keep a straight face
If I had a dollar for every racist thing I’ve said
some minority would probably mug me for it.
A panda walks into a bar. Orders a meal and quietly eats it. When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar. The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!”
The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads: Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and leaves.
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have named their newborn Psalm West. I have only one question.
Is it a hymn or a her?
A man goes into the confession booth and tells the priest,
“Father, I’m seventy-five years old and last night I made love to two twenty-year-old girls at the same time.” The priest says, “When did you last go to confession?” The man says, “I’ve never been to confession, Father. I’m Jewish.” The priest says, “Then why are you telling me?” The man says, “I’m telling everybody!”
It’s the end of the world as we know it and he feels fine, very stable and wise
https://ift.tt/33mh9ZQ
What do you call a bird that only shows up to work when it wants to?
A millenial falcon
“Mom? What’s dark humor?”
“Well son…you see that man with no arms sitting over there? Tell him to clap.” “Mom! I’m blind.” “Exactly.”
To all my friends this holiday season, if you’re going to be drinking, please don’t drive.
The other night at a party, I got a little tipsy, so I left the car behind and took the bus home. It was great because along the way, while cars were being stopped for breathalyzers, the police just waved the bus right through and I was able to get home. In the end, I had no idea I could drive a bus, but I did a pretty good job
A blind guy walks into a bar…
…and a table…and a chair…
[At parole hearing] Officer: Why should you be released early?
Man: I’m .. Officer: Go on. Man: I think… Officer: Yes? Man: Can I please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
I had a scary math joke…
But I'm 22 to say it
Without Arabs we wouldn’t have 9/11.
We'd have IX/XI instead.
A woman sent two ties to her son in law.
Some weeks later, she invited him and her daughter over for dinner and in an attempt to impress his mother-in-law, the son-in-law wore one of the ties she’d sent him. The meal was extremely tense and uncomfortable with the mother-in-law maintaining a stony silence. Finally she spoke, “Alright then, what was wrong with the other tie?”
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A father in law
You could say I’m B.R.O.K.E.
B – Bad R – At O – Acronyms K – E –
People write “congrats” because
they don't know how to spell congrajlashins.
Why should dog owners invest in tennis balls?
They have a high rate of return
My grandfather’s last words were, “Gallons. Quarts. Litres.”
That spoke volumes.
Guy gets accidentally shot by the celebratory fire for his release from prison
https://ift.tt/2VvYDMp
Why do melons have to plan their weddings?
They cant Elope…
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, “I’m off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park.”
My 6-year old nephew asked me to share his joke with my Internet friends, so enjoy!
Q: Why did the window frame hurt? A: It had window pains!
What did one oar say to the other oar?
Can I interest you in some rowmance?
What’s the most important rule when making porno music?
Never use A-minor.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today…
But it was a Risk I was willing to take
I recently started a band called 999 megabytes.
We're good but we still haven't gotten a gig yet.
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back… The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help. A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?” “No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp and my parrot
I don’t know how you sleep at night
