Last night I rode my bike to a bar here in town
and I had a few beers, followed by a few bourbons and a number of shots….. I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before, I locked up my bike in a secure place, and I took a cab home. Sure enough, there was a police check point on the way home, and since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This came as a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab before, I don't even know where I got it from, and now that it is in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.
I don’t always roll a joint but when I do…
It’s my ankle.
There are only two types of people worse than racists
The blacks and the jews
So many people these days are too judgemental.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Justice is best served cold…
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater!
Dads are just like boomerangs..
.. I hope
“I swear, I’m kicking you out of the house if you don’t stop singing Christmas music.”
But, baby, it’s cold outside!
What did the lesbian vampire say to her date?
I’ll see you next month
Why were the Men in Black at Bruce Wayne’s Mansion?
his parents just died
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar…
and are followed by 'Batman!'
The creator of mad libs died this week.
His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.
My ex- rapper friend decided to stop his gardening business because he was really careless with his tools.
He has hoes in different area codes.
What is a Monarchist’s least favorite type of music?
Royalty free music
A physicist see a man about to jump from a ledge. He yells.
"Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
My wife asked me “Where’d you learn to make ice cream so well?”
Me: “Sundae School.”
So original post was taken down because there was no caption so here’s the meme again with the original debate that inspired it
So original post was taken down because there was no caption so here’s the meme again with the original debate that inspired it
When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.
A blind man enters a ladies bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke sir, you should know five things…. 1 – The bartender is a blonde girl. 2 – The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3 – I'm a 6 feet tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4 – The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. 5 – The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously Mister, do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says, "Nah…. not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
What do you call a sleep-walking nun?
A roamin’ Catholic…
What did the instructor that was a ghost say to his students?
Lets look at the board and I'll go through it again….
“Hi my name is David and i lost my ID…
… I guess you can call me Dav now."
My granddad had my sides busting with this one over Christmas!
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in. One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
Apparently I snore so loud
That it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
I don’t always roll joints…
But when I do it’s usually an ankle
My mom had plumbers stop at the house to fix the drain. They made so much noise!
She told em to pipe down.
What does eating pussy and smoking a cigarette have in common?
The closer you get to the butt the more intense the flavor.
I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe
I don't care how big a spider is, nobody steals my fucking shoe.
Cheating Wives
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. He waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her, he found out she was working in a whore house. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?" The guy replies that all the cabbie has to do is go inside the whore house, grab his wife, put her in the back of the cab, and take them home. The cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later, the whore house door gets kicked open, and the cabbie starts dragging out this woman who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here! Hold her!" The man looks down at the girl and yells to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE!" The cabbie replied, "I KNOW. IT'S MINE… I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!"
Two boys are arguing when the teacher enters the classroom. The teacher says, “What are you two arguing about?”
One boy answers, “We found a ten-dollar bill and decided whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it.” “You two should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher. “When I was your age, I didn’t even know what a lie was.” The boys looked at each other and handed the ten dollars to the teacher.
So I told my friend that this guy that hosted a party had a golden toilet
He didn't believe me one bit. So we went to the guy's house and when the door opened, it was his mother. We asked if I could show my friend your golden toilet because he doesn't believe it. She looked at me for a while, then shouted back into the house, "Rick, the guy who shit in your trumpet is here!"
Just caught my son spanking a cardboard cutout of Dwayne Johnson.
He’s officially hit Rock bottom.
How much does a pirate pay to get his ears pierced?
A buck an ear.
MOVIE RATINGS EXPLAINED
G: Nobody gets the girl. PG: The good guy gets the girl. R: The bad guy gets the girl. X: Everybody gets the girl!
A priest, a monk, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank
The rabbit says, "I'm a type O."