Last night I was banging a vegan, who seemed kinda familiar…
Then it dawned on me, I've been in herbivore.
I heard Apple is developing a new car
But they were having trouble installing windows.
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in your jeans
A German got pulled over by the Police in France.
Police Officer: Name? German: Heinrich Klimt Police officer: Age? German: 32 Police Officer: Occupation? German: No, no. Just visiting.
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, âBusiness trip or pleasure?â She turned, smiled and said, âBusiness. Iâm going to the annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, âWhatâs your business at this convention?â âLecturer,â she responded. âI use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.â âReally?â he said. âAnd what kind of myths are there?â âWell,â she explained, âone popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.â Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. âIâm Sorry,â she said, âI shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I donât even know your name.â âTonto,â the man said, âTonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
Whatâs your favorite thing about Switzerland?
I donât know, but the flag is a big plus.
A husband calls for his wife on his deathbed.
He tells his wife that after he passes away he doesnât want her to be alone. âSix months after I pass, I think it would be okay for you to marry Joe.â âJoe?â his wife asks. âBut I thought you hated Joe.â âI do,â the man answers.
Reddit’s freedom of speech
[removed]
Joseph Stalin is giving a speech to his army.
When all of the sudden in the midst of a paticularly moving segment, he hears a loud, uproarious sneeze coming from amongst the crowd. Stalin stops speaking, glares at the soldiers, becomes very visibly annoyed, and says "Who sneezed?…" All of the soldiers don't say anything, some of them start to sweat and others nervously glance around. After a brief moment Stalin motions towards a few soldiers with him on the stage. "Execute the first row…" he commands, and the soldiers on stage begin opening fire at the first row of troops on the ground. "I'll ask again, who sneezed?" says Stalin. Another pause, and no one speaks up. Finally Stalin says "Execute the…" but before he can finish, a soldier about 4 rows back raises his hand and says "It was me General Secretary Stalin! I'm the one who sneezed." Stalin then stares cold and hard at the soldier who spoke up for an uncomfortable amount of time, before he leans towards his microphone and says "Bless you."
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The quarantine has brought a bountiful harvest to the family group chat from my mother
https://ift.tt/2QV4ppk
My daughter said to me “Daddy, your hair is getting so long. Do you like it looking like that?”
I said "It's growing on me."
It took me 11 puns to finally make my friend laugh…
… because no pun in ten did.
Why do Jewish men have to be circumsized?
Because a Jewish woman wonât touch anything unless itâs 20% off.
The boiled water died
It shall me mist
All the animals came to the Ark together. Even the insects came in pairs.
Except the worms, they came in apples.
Wtf is an acronym.
No text found
Young Jesus: mom where do babies come from?
Joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea Mary, where DO babies come from?
What is the best part about living in Switzerland?
I'm not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
A joke I made up that’s funny only when you look back at it.
This guy shows up to his optometrist and says "I have a weird problem", The Optometrists replies, "What seems to be the trouble?" The guys says, "Everything's blurry. My vision is horrible!" "That's pretty common", the Optometrist replies. "We can certainly fix th…" "Wait! Here's the weird thing though" the guy interrupts, "Everything is blurry. EVERYTHING. Except… People's butts. People's butts, dogs butts, cats butts. Butts! I see butts clearly! What's going on?" The Optometrist smiles and calmly replies, "Listen, you've got nothing to worry about. Everyone knows that hindsight is 20/20."
Three Irishmen walk out of a bar.
Yep. It can happen.
Came across an ad that said âradio for sale, $1, volume stuck on fullâ
I thought, âI canât turn that downâ
Some dude dies and goes to Hell
"Oh shit" "Na", says the Devil, "Don't listen to that Abraham fella, we actually have a lot of fun down here! Do you like bacon?" "Of course" "Well", continues the Devil, "You'll love Mondays then! Everybody gets a pallet of bacon and you eat until you can't eat anymore! The best part is, it doesn't matter if you have a heart attack 'cos you're already dead!" "Hmm, I could get used to that" "Great!", smiles the Devil, "Do you like gambling?" "I'm partial to a bit of Blackjack, yea" "Then I have some good news for you", explains the Devil, "Every Tuesday we go to the largest casino in the multiverse and you gamble until you can't gamble anymore! The best part is, it doesn't matter if you go bankrupt 'cos you're already dead!" "OK, this is starting to sound pretty good" "I knew you'd come 'round", replies the Devil, "Now, do you like drugs?" "Yea I am a junkie" "Fantastic!", exclaims the Devil, "You'll be looking forward to Wednesday! Everybody gets a great big bowl of smack and you smoke until you can't smoke anymore! The best part is, it doesn't matter if you overdose 'cos you're already dead!" "Can this place get any better?" "You bet!", replies the Devil, "Do you like sodomy?" "Um…no" "Oh", the Devil trails off, "Thursdays are going to be tough on you then".
Yesterday a clown held a door open for me
I thought it was a nice jester
I’ve just started reading my first ever Braille horror story.
I think that something scary is about to happen, I can feel it.
When mom walks in…
When mom walks in…
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it!
They should make a film series about a guy who uses candles as weapons.
Call it John Wick.
Accordion to a recent study, 90% of people didnât realize
I put an instrument at the start of this sentence.
Sometimes I touch my knees to my chest and lean forward,
Thatâs just how I roll.
I was watching Jurassic park the other day…..
…. when I thought "not only does my son have a really stupid name, he´s also a terrible driver"
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose