Last night I went to a Christian themed restaurant called “The Lord Giveth”.
They also do take away.
My son came out as transgender
So that makes me…. transparent
Does anyone want to be in a platonic relationship?
I’m asking for a friend.
The other night, I asked my dad how far away are we from dinner?
My brother pulled out some measuring tape, asked me to hold one end as he held the other end and walked towards the oven. "…. about 12 feet." 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 bro is basically a certified dad now
My wife came home from the doctors today and was looking all pleased with herself, so I asked her why she was so happy. She said, “The doctor said that for a 45 year old woman, I’ve got the breasts of an 18 year old.” I snickered, “Oh yeah and what did he say about your 45 year old ass?”
She laughed, “Your name never came up in conversation.”
My friend keeps making up imaginary Middle Eastern countries..
I have to remind him what Israel.
Me: “Do you shower after having sex?”
Coworker: "Yeah, of course I do." Me: "Well, how about getting laid more often."
I had the best Dad moment last night… *actual conversation with my 8 year old*
Son: Dad… how many kidneys do I have? Me: Two. You have two, son. Son: Nope… I have four. point to belly Two kidneys here… points to legs …and two kid knees here! The student has become the teacher.
What’s Forrest Gump’s Wi-Fi password?
1Forrest1 Edit: Thanks for the Silver Award
A recent study has discovered a new strain of lice that is resistant to conventional treatment.
That has left scientists scratching their heads.
Two women meets in the afterlife,
-Hello, My name is Mia! -Hello. Mine is Emma. How'd you die? -Well… I froze to death. -Oh my.. what a terrible way to die! -Well it wasn't that bad. I was shivering from cold, but then I felt a warmness and I got really sleepy, Then I died. How did you die? -I had a heart attack. I thought that my husband cheating on me, so I left work early to catch him red-handed. Then I saw him just watching television. -What happened after? -I was certain that there was an another woman in the house. So I furiously started to search the whole house. Under the bed, the roof, closets but I couldn't. I was too tired of searching, I just had an heart attack. (Mia starts to laugh) -What's so funny? -Oh dear.. if you checked the fridge we both would be still alive!
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working, goodbye”
What a liar! I opened the fridge and it's working just fine.
I just bought two fish I called one one and the other two…
So then when one dies I'll still have two
What do you call an unvaccinated toddler’s tantrum?
A mid-life crisis
I was told i could look at an eclipse with a colander.
I tried it and it just strained my eyes.
I had sex with a blind girl yesterday
She said, “You have the biggest penis I’ve ever put my hands on.” I said, “Nah. Your just pulling my leg.”
A girl saw her boyfriend flirting with other girls at the gym
She walked up to him and said this isn’t working out.
What did one deer say to the other when leaving the gay bar?
"I must have blown twenty bucks in there."
r/jokes Has 18 Million subscribers!
It's amazing what 7 jokes can do
I like my women like i like my computer
Turned on On my lap Virus free
I love how the Earth rotates
It makes my day
Her: I’m pregnant.
Me: Are you kidding?? Her: Technically, Yes.
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp and my parrot
I don’t know how you sleep at night
A guy, a pig, and a dog are the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there for awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every night to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle — in short, a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig started looking better and better, and pretty soon the guy rolled towards the pig and put his arm around it. The dog was not very happy with this, and growled fiercely at the guy until he moved his arm away. The three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there were no more efforts at cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to good health.When she was completely well, they introduced her to their nightly beach ritual. Then came another gloriously beautiful evening — red sunset; delicate cirrus clouds; gentle, warm breeze — again, perfect for romance. The guy started getting "those ideas" again, so he leaned over to the girl, and said, "Um… would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
What’s Thanos’ favourite game? [OC]
Half Life.
If having sex for money makes you a whore…
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?
I feel like a car with twenty wheels today.
Very tired
Whoever invented auto-correct,
can go to hello. Edit: Wow thanks for the silver!
So there’s a fly…and a gnat lands on its back.
The fly says, “is there a gnat on my back?” The gnat says, “gnat at all.” The fly says, “that’s the worst pun I’ve ever heard. ” The gnat goes, “what do you expect, I just made it up on the fly!”
The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy…
So I moved the modem to the barn. Now I have stable Wi-Fi!