Last night, me and my friend watched 3 DVDs back to back. Luckily, I was the one facing the tv.
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Luke:”Yoda, are we heading the right direction?”
Yoda:”Off course, we are.”
How many Germans do you need to change a light bulb?
One. They are efficient but not funny.
How many dead people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Apparently not 17, cuz my basement is still dark
Can you believe I was thrown out of my church for claiming Jesus spoke with a lisp?
It was a real slap in the faith…
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl.”
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
What’s Gordon Ramsey’s favorite Disney movie?
IT'S FUCKING FROZEN!!!
Some day, Canada will take over the world.
And then we'll all be sorry.
Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra
You can never find the barcode
A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He’s very nervous and doesn’t say much.
As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter! After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone. The groom approaches the him and asks, "why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that speech!" "I know…" Says the priest, "but that was just my altar ego".
How Long Is A Chinese Name
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I was blessed with a 9 inch penis
That priest is in prison now
How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?
Through the Dumbell door
A man loses his job and REALLY needs money.
He is walking on the sidewalk when a demon from hell appears. The demon says “I will give you $100,000, but you must give me your wife.” The man ponders the offer for a few seconds, then says “Okay, what’s the catch?”
I bet jellyfish are sad…
…that there are no peanut butter fish.
An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?" "Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds." "Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?" So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago." "I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them
Never iron a four leaf clover…
You don't want to press your luck…
What did they call the race car driver who won with a hen strapped to the hood of his car?
Number One with a Pullet.
Tinder is the opposite of porn ads….
There are actually tons of hot singles in my area, But none of them are interested in me.
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours.
The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.” The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
My chemistry teacher asked me :
Teacher: What’s the monomer of rubber? Me: Is it monobber?
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat tide pods.
But it's harder to deter gents. I'll let myself out.
Make sure you raise your left leg at midnight tonight guys.
Let’s start the new year off on the right foot.
I sent my my deceased cat, Mittens, to be stuffed.
But the taxidermist only did her back half. It was a cat-ass-trophey.
The garbage man looks sad.
Yeah, he's wheelie bin depressed.
What borders on stupidity?
Mexico and Canada.
I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a piece of ass
He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks. So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says "What the hell are you doing?" and I said "Having sex with my wife." He said "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was your wife." and I said "Neither did I till you shined a light on her."
Can a woman make her husband a millionaire?
Of course, if he’s a billionaire.
paper
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.
This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “This is my lucky day!
Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table! Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."
My new welcome mat is made of hemp
It’s a gateway rug
I spent $80 on a belt that didn’t fit
My wife said it was a huge waist
A Mexican magician was performing on stage
He tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of three, "Uno" "Dos" And then he vanished, and disappeared without a tres
eBay is so useless..
I tried to find a lighter and they had only 45324 matches…
