Last night, Michael used mondaypunday to ask Tonia “will ewe Mary mi?” and she said YES!
A whim away a whim away a whim away
Ken came in another box
Shouldn't they be called Asteroids?
A sunken chest with no booty!
…exclaimed Dave, crestfallen.
"Well, at least you could try."
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"
This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “This is my lucky day!
Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table! Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."
So we can think of a solution in silence.
…and only a handful of cases of herpes was Clinton's.
Studies have proven that people who have more of them live longer.
First, he checks out heaven and sees that it's pretty standard stuff, angels, clouds, peace, but nothing really interesting. Then he checks out hell. Really cool parties going on all over the place, infinite amount of drinks and drugs, beautiful women everywhere. Obviously, he chooses hell, but as soon as gets there, he gets thrown into a tub of boiling water, with demons poking him with pitchforks. He starts complaining to the Devil, that this isn't what he was shown. The Devil replies, "Well, sorry mate, that was just the E3 demo".
She was devastated and kept asking me "Why didn't they want me?" I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked to make love with her, which led to more tears. On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY", was little insensitive.
Wife: whatever means necessary. Me: No it doesn't.
Turn 11. My kid asked me that question and they clearly had something else in mind, because she was less than enthusiastic about my response.
…He burped 7 up
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
i thought to myself, that's a little condescending.
When they collided. The old guy says to the young guy. “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.” The young guy says, “That’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit anxious.” The old guy says, “Well maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, “She is 28 years-old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?” The old guy says, “Doesn't matter, let’s look for yours.”
Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.
I woke up exhausted
My son's been drinking whisky that's only aged for two years. He's the dumbest thirteen-year-old I've ever met.
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the whole world, because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media…
But every American knows that America is really the best country in the world!
Those that finish their sentences and those
I SAID MAYBEEEE!!
but she did migrate to California in 1849.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
I know, it sounds a little far fetched.
I don’t know what to make of it.
He had a mold problem
A little girl is having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear. She says, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?”
The bear replies, “No thanks, I’m stuffed.”
Guess who came crawling back
…I told him he didn't understand… we were his parents, and he had ten minutes to pack.
The last thing I need is a bunch of baby couches running around the place
No text found
The madam sees them and tells the girls, “just use blow-up sex dolls, they are so wasted they won’t know the difference”. So the three guys find themselves in their rooms with a girl, so the deed, and walk out. The first guy says, “those girls were odd”. The second says, “yeah, I wonder if they were dead, cause no matter what I did, she didn’t move.” The third guy says, “no way, I think they were witches!” Both other guys stopped at this, shocked, and ask, “what? Why do you think they were witches?” The third guy replies, “because when I bit her ass, she farted on my face, and flew out of the window…”
I decided to give it a shot.
They don’t hang themselves. Happy Halloween