Last one is really shocking.
I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.
Then I realised the telly wasn't on.
I called Serena Williams to interview her for a magazine article and asked, “So Serena, What’s your favorite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus. Me: I’m sorry Venus. Could you put Serena on the phone?
A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.”
The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?” The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”
The guys loitering on the street had been trolling this kid for a couple of years.
They'd hold out a nickle in one hand and a dime in the other and ask "Which one do you want? The nickle is bigger!" and the kid would always take the nickle. One day I took the kid aside and asked him "Don't you know the dime is worth twice as much?" He said "Yeah, but if I take the dime they won't ever do it again!"
Where did the terminator find toilet paper?
Aisle B, back!
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting him for Christmas?
Because he felt his presents…
Some people think the cost of wigs is too high
Personally, I think it’s a fair price toupee.
Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
What do you call the bad part of Italy?
The spaghetto.
Today is national peanut butter day.
Spread the news
I was once addicted to soap.
Now I’m clean.
Once I was a male trapped in a female body..
Then I was born.
What do you call a fish stuck in a tree?
A fish stick! My 4 year olds first joke.
I hope Death is a woman.
That way it will never come for me.
Courtesy of my 11 yr old: why don’t you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she will just let it go.
A man goes into a brothel
He says to the madam, "Hi, I'm a traveling salesman, I've been on the road for eight weeks. I'll pay $100 for the worst blow-job in the house." She says, "The worst…? For $100 you can have the best blow-job in the house!" He says, "No, it's all right, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."
What does orange juice and my dad have in common?
They both slap harder when mixed with alcohol.
The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded affirmatively…
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded once more. "So…" the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole, is it?" The little boy nodded yet again. "Good." said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
Anal sex is a lot like my first car…
I didn't really want it, but my uncle gave it to me anyway.
