laughing crying emoji
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Why does a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting
I said people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer
Had sex with my girlfriend a couple days ago..
My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago. She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt". I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.
What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
The letter G
what do vegan zombies eat?
GRAAAIIINSSS!!!
Went and bought a sweater yesterday. The thing just kept picking up static electricity.
I went to return it and they gave me another one free of charge.
First joke I’ve ever come up with. So far nobody has laughed
I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 2020"
Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek. Einstein is counting. Pascal runs and hides, but Newton just draws a square and sit down. Einstein opens his eyes and exclaims, “Newton, I’ve found you!”
Newton replies, "No, you found Newton over a square meter. You've found Pascal!"
An egyptian mother tells his son “im a proud mummy”
No text found
Why did the plane get sent to his room?
For a bad altitude
I’m sad I didn’t get to see how my execution ended…
I was left hanging.
What’s brown and sticky?
A Stick
what kind of shoes do frogs wear?
open toad
Mod Apps and Memeless Mondays
Hey everyone,A lot to cover in this post, but first of all, just wanted to note that the People’s Choice Winner of the Hackathon was voted to be selfCAPTCHA (/u/selfCAPTCHA), so congratulations to its author. We’ll be hosting the next Hackathon sometime next summer.With that aside, we’re finally ready to implement a big rule change that should hopefully improve the content quality of the subreddit. Every Monday, starting November 18th, will now be declared a Memeless Monday. This means:For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it isn’t on knowyourmeme and isn’t a quick edit of a template on kym, you’re probably fine.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.We’ll be pinning reminders every Monday to ensure nobody is left in the dark about the rule change. If we find that this isn’t increasing subreddit quality at all (at least for a short period of the week), we’ll either modify or abandon the change. If you have any feedback which you feel will make Memeless Mondays more effective, please do leave it below.Due to user feedback, we won’t be moving the subreddit to approval only (which was probably entirely unrealistic in the first place).Now, mod applications – like programming? Hate memes? Did the previous paragraph give you a burning desire to routinely exterminate them every Monday? Do you use Arch? We’ve got a position for you. We’re looking for a few active, passionate (as if) moderators preferably in the Eastern Hemisphere (if you’re not, still feel free to apply). Previous experience is always good but being reasonable, active on Reddit and knowing some programming is even better. Apply here.Thanks for reading. Now go and make some relevant, high quality, funny jokes or we’ll just end up automating the entire subreddit, it would be a lot less work on our side.
America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.
Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.
Kissing half a billion dollars goodbye… Bloomberg’s worst return on an investment
https://ift.tt/2ToqSMU
What do you call a Nun who walks in her sleep?
A roamin' Catholic.
There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
Only a fraction of people know this
They ask me if it’s pronounced “NEE-a-list” or “NIGH-a-list.”
I tell them it doesn't really matter.
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone asks for your wifi password you can say 12345678
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people
But none of them work.
Asking relevant questions in class leads to 30 minute anecdotes about his personal life
https://ift.tt/2Bv17Rq
I just saw my first porno…
And damn I looked good back then.
Because your side projects are just an excuse to make a new framework, right?
https://ift.tt/2Xz0fqE
Why isn’t PI fun at parties?
He just goes on forever
I went to the local Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting last night
but all the seats were taken.
I got hit in the head by a soda can the other day…
Luckily, it was a soft drink!
