LAUGHING FOR 20 MINUTES
I went to buy 6 cans of Sprite
But I accidentally picked 7 up.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger
Then it hit me
Whoever invented auto-correct,
can go to hello. Edit: Wow thanks for the silver!
Two Priests are walking down the street when a drunk man comes up to them.
He says to the first Priest "I'm Jesus Christ." The Priest replies "No son, you're not!" So he says to the second "I'm Jesus Christ." He says "No son, you're not." The drunk says "Look I can prove it." He takes the two Priests into the bar. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says "JESUS CHRIST YOU'RE HERE AGAIN!!!"
Did you know crocodiles can grow up to 15 feet?
But most only have 4 🙂
At a funeral, a little old man goes up to the grieving widow.
"May I say a word?" Sniffling, the widow agrees. The old man clears his throat, "Plethora" "The widow smiles. "Thanks, that means a lot."
How are you supposed to know its funny if the background doesn’t tell you so??
https://ift.tt/2UxT6W5
How to tell the gender of ANY animal
SIMPLE – Just give it some food! If she eats the food, then it's a girl. But if he eats the food, then it's a boy.
Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile…
In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults. One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The two young men, sympathetic to a creature in need, approached the crocodile and released it from the trap. Once freed, the crocodile transformed into a wispy, glowing fairy! “Thank you, young men” said the fairy, “Your hearts are truly selfless, and I will grant each of you one wish. What are your names?” “This is my friend Set, and you can call me ‘Ep’”, said Amenhotep. “Very well, Ep” said the fairy “What is the desire of your heart?” “I wish I was the strongest man in the world!” Amenhotep wished. “Very well”, said the fairy, “but you must always use your strength to help others.” Smoke gathered around Amenhotep, and when the smoke cleared Ep was 7 foot six and rippling with muscles. The fairy turned to Set “And what is your wish, Set?” Set responded “I never want to be poor again! I wish for money!” “Very well,” said the fairy. Smoke gathered in front of the two of them, and when the smoke cleared a small elf remained, bowing to the two boys. “Greetings, sirs! My name is Elmon, and I am here to serve!” “Elmon is an expert in all things money,” said the fairy, “He will help you make wise decisions and turn any business profitable, but will only help you so long as he is only asked to do good for your fellow man.” Amenhotep and Set were inseparable. True to his word, Amenhotep used his great strength to build many houses for people in need. Set helped, as well, but his comparatively small size next to the now massive Amenhotep earned him the nickname “Imp”. With Elmon’s financial savvy, the two started a non-profit dedicated to building houses for the less fortunate, and Elmon kept all their paperwork in perfect order. Years passed, and the two lived very fulfilling lives helping the homeless. Amenhotep met a girl while building houses and the two got married and had a beautiful baby boy, Josep. Ep and Set’s business expanded globally. 15 years passed and Amenhotep grew kinder and more generous, giving to people in need at any of the places he went to build houses. Set built a campus in Cairo for the headquarters of their business, and directed global efforts. Over the years, Set lost touch with the people he was helping, and became more focused on business expansion and money of the business. As all fathers do, Amenhotep wanted his son to eventually take over the business and help the next generation of needful people find purpose in their lives. He sent Josep to the the HQ in Cairo to learn business from Set. Once there, Josep was surprised to find that much of the financial success was due in large part to the financial savvy of Elmon, the elf. Josep spent months at HQ learning how to run the business. While there, Set decided that it was time to expand the company into a more profitable venture. Instead of building houses for the needy, he drafted up a plan to buy up land around urban areas and construct rental properties at expensive prices while preventing construction of new, affordable housing. He sent Josep with the proposal to Elmon to determine the financial logistics. Upon reading the proposal and its ill-nature’s effect on Set’s fellow man, Elmon keeled over and died, instantly. Josep was shocked, and ran to alert Set right away, who wailed in dismay at the loss of his financial mastermind. In a rage, he accused Josep of killing Elmon, and sent the teenager to jail. Amenhotep, hearing of the distress, caught the first flight back to Cairo to find himself neck-deep in a legal battle between him and his old friend. Without the financial and legal savvy of Elmon, Set’s case was a mess. Amenhotep, distraught, tried to reason with his childhood friend. “Come, Imp, release my boy and call off the lawsuit. Let’s use our energy to help those in need and not further what we both know is a fruitless path.” Set refused, furiously gathering circumstantial evidence to bring to the court to frame Josep for Elmon’s murder. The case was brought before the court, but Set’s claims were weak and unsupported. The judge, thoroughly disgusted with the lack of evidence from the prosecution, dismissed the case outright. Obviously, Ep’s teen didn’t kill Imp’s elf.
Oh god guys, I’m hearing a noise up stairs
Really hope that it isn’t Christopher Robin my house
How Long is a Chinese name
No seriously, it is
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves…
So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?” The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
Why did Pluto have such a terrible vacation?
Because he didn’t planet well.
A year ago when I joined Reddit I threw a boomerang to celebrate
I now live in constant fear
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word!
My parents made me go to Stockholm with them on holiday…
… I didn’t like it at first.
How is performing cunnilingus similar to being in the mafia?
One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
Dont challange Death to a pillow fight
…Unless you want to deal with the Reaper cushions.
Serve alcohol at a party and nobody bats an eye
But serve laxatives and everybody loses their shit
To the person that stole my broken bathroom scale,..
You won’t get a weigh with this!
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed. Edit: My first award! Thanks!
Before the clock strikes midnight on Dec. 31 be sure to lift your left leg.
That way you'll start off the new year on the right foot.
I’ve recently been asking people what LGBTQ means
No ones been able to give me a straight answer yet
Why doesn’t 7 have any frends?
he's odd.
Her: You got a vasectomy without telling anyone! Are you kidding me?
Me: Technically I can’t.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fell down a cliff
Bah-dum tssssssss
We all know where the big apple is.
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
When asked what his favorite holiday was. Arnold Schwarzenegger replied.
"I Still Love Easter BABY!"
I saw two guys walking around in same outfit with their dog, so I ask them if they were gay.
Those faggots arrested me.
In French we don’t say ‘ninety nine’…
..instead we say 'quatre-vingt dix neuf' which translates as 'we don't have a functional numerical system'
I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.
The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas
Me: sipping toast why?