Laughing for days
Can you believe I was thrown out of my church for claiming Jesus spoke with a lisp?
It was a real slap in the faith…
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
My doctor told me I was going deaf 2 years ago
Haven't heard from him yet
What did the mod say to the redditor?
[removed]
I come from a long line of wood winds, so I was shocked when my daughter said she wanted to be a percussionist
But thinking back, when I checked her instrument case, the cymbals were always there.
Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
What room of a house does a ghost not need?
The LIVING ROOM
I thought I could score higher if I stuck to textbooks, I’ll know soon if I was wrong
https://ift.tt/2TPHZqL
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.
“How are you mate?” “Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.” I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond “Get away with ya… Prove it.” I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?” He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?” EDIT: Gold already?! Thank you so much guys!!
Apparently you can’t use beefstew as a password…
It's not stroganoff.
A cop pulled someone over
Cop: I pulled you over because you were driving on the wrong side of the road. Driver: Sorry, I'm English. Cop: (Loudly) it's the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
When Mozart was alive, he was composing. Now that he’s dead,
He's decomposing
I was doing a little shopping at my local grocery store.
As the cute cashier was ringing up my stuff, she saw that all I had was some ramen noodles, frozen burritos, and canned spaghetti. She giggled and said “I can tell your single”. I laughed and asked “what gave it away?” She said “you’re fuckin ugly”
Son/Daughter: Hey I got a haircut! What do you think?
Dad: Looks like you got them all cut.
What does a pear tree do before growing it’s fruit?
It pre-pears
I sent my my deceased cat, Mittens, to be stuffed.
But the taxidermist only did her back half. It was a cat-ass-trophey.
It’s just as I suspected, someone’s been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
How do you tell a dad joke from a bad joke?
Trust me, the difference is apparent.
Yogurt on the bus [NSFW]
On the bus today, I tapped the woman in front of me on the shoulder, and said, "Excuse me, but there's some semen on your sweater." She said, "Oh, it's probably just yogurt…" I replied, "Maybe, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt."
2, 4 and 6 tried to defeat 3, 5 and 7
But the odds were against them
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics
Pun enters a bar. Bloody fight ensues, ten people die.
Pun in, ten dead.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It’s quite bazaar
My wife and I don’t want any kids
My kids are upset about that decision.
I just made love to my girlfriend.
She asked, “If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?” I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet. “Well” I said, “If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini”.
Why are mathematicians always so happy?
Because the root of their negativity is imaginary.
As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office
I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.
When is the best time to commit suicide?
Ate a glock in the morning.
Today I launched a book aimed at 9-12 year olds.
I proud to say I managed to hit one of the little shits!