Laughing so hard rn π€£π€£π€£ππ€£
A teenage boy and a teenage girl are in a relationship, and it was going rather smoothly. . .
. . . The girl asked eventually told the boy that if he would come over for dinner, meet her parents, and make a good impression, that she would reward him by making whoopee with him. He was pretty excited for the first time, so, being a responsible young man, he immediately went down to his local pharmacy to buy some condoms. But, since it was his first time, he didn't know what kind to buy, so he asked the pharmacist for help. The pharmacist spent a good hour discussing the different types of condoms, what they do, etc. He then asked the boy what his choice was. To which the boy responded, "Well, since it's my first time, I'm try the family pack." The pharmacist rang it up for him, and the boy left, excited. Finally, the big night arrived. The boy was very nervous, but he was determined to make a good impression on the girl's parents. Everyone sat down for dinner, and the mother said, "Let us bow our heads and thank the good Lord for this meal." Everyone bowed their heads and said grace. When they were finished, everyone looked up . . . except the boy. He continued to bow his head and mumble in prayer. After a solid twenty minutes, the girl tapped him on the leg and whispered, "I never knew you were so religious." The boy whispered back, "I never knew your father was a pharmacist!"
To the guy who stole my antidepressants…
I hope you're happy now
My wife thinks I donβt give her enough privacy
At least thatβs what her diary said
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance…
Unfortunately, she blew it!
You ever look at an ancient watering hole and go
βThis aged well.β
6:30 is the best time on a clock
Hands down.
Australians donβt have sex
Australians mate
My friend went to prison for something he didn’t do.
He didn't wipe the fingerprints off the gun.
The president is walking out of the White House towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun.
A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts βMickey Mouse!β This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the Secret Service agentβs supervisor asks him, βWhy the hell did you shout Mickey Mouse?β Blushing, the agent replies, βI got nervous. I meant to shout…… Donald, duck!β
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
My order of a dozen bees came with 13 bees
When I called customer service about it they said, β oh thatβs just a freebie.β
How did harry potter get down the hill?
he came running jk rowling
There are two guys stealing iPhones around the town
They are most likely going to face time
I canβt believe that even after 15 years of the show ending, people are still making βFriendsβ references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Wanna hear a joke about short term memory loss?
Wanna hear a joke about short term memory loss?
A naive and beautiful young girl is walking along the street in the countryside.
A naive, beautiful, conservatively dressed young girl is walking along the street in the countryside. A man, wearing sunglasses and driving a sport car stops by: "do you need a lift?" She's intimidated by the sport car and the confident demeanour of this man, but she accepts, and they start getting to know each other. "it's very nice that you pick me up in such a car. it's a long way home from here" "it's a pleasure babe". "what do you do?" she asks "I'm a DJ and speaker at the radio" he answers. She's delighted: "oh really? It's so cool. I always listen to the radio. Do you also have those show with song requests for birthdays?" "yes, I do those kind of shows, we receive song requests for birthdays. Have you ever tried?" Embarrassing silence follows. Somethings is in her head, and she gains courage to say it: "well you see… I always wanted to call and request a song, but I heard it's always hard to get a place, there's a lot of people requesting… and I sort of don't know how this kind of things work, maybe I have to speak live and then don't know what to say. But I always wanted to do it… today is also my little sister's birthday…" "well, babe, we could change this, don't you think? She'd be very happy, and you too" wink wink He starts to sort of take a long route, apparently driving where no one can see, his intentions are clear. "where are we going?" "you see, babe, you could do something for me, and maybe I could get you a fast lane to do what you want for your sister's birthday…" She starts getting it, but she is not sure, the situation is so intimidating, but also exciting, and she sort of want to do it – for her dear sister. He parks the car in the middle of nowhere, stops the engine, and starts unzipping his jeans. She is scared, doesn't know what to do, it's all so new. "what worries you, babe?" "Well you see I've never done this sort of things, I'm embarrassed, I'm just a girl from the countryside, I… I don't really know if…" He knows his way in reassuring a scared woman: "don't worry babe, you'll be fine, there's nothing you can do wrong, just be yourself. Think of your sister. you'll make her day" He proceeds to take his genitals out. She freaks out internally, but thinks to herself "whatever, I'll do it for her". She looks into his eyes, he looks into her eyes, reassuring and firm. She starts to get her mouth close to his penis. She opens her mouth: "Hello, I want to dedicate the next song to my sister for her birthday, it's a very special day and I love her with all my heart and …"
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar…
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.
My boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office
I'm on season 6 so far, but not sure what its got to do with security.
My father has schizophrenia…
…but heβs good people…
What did the little mermaid wear to math class
An algae- bra
My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding
After that she refuses to play Scrabble with me.
A book fell on my head
I've only got myshelf to blame….
My girlfriend refused to have unprotected sex
I understand, she is deadly allergic to nuts.
The doctors said that my blood was type-A
But that was a type-O
The roof is not my child
But I will raise it.
I finished writing my tortilla joke
That's a wrap