Apparently, keeping it to yourself.
I said "Yes. No. Yes. No."
Because he hated his dam job.
My father was ill and the doctor said he had only one day left to live. I was truly sad and was walking outside when I saw a wishing well. Taking my chances I threw in a quarter and wished his life would be extended. A r/jokes mod genie appeared out of the well and said " I hear your wish my son, and for everyday there is a new, fresh joke posted on r/jokes, your father will be granted another full week of life." His funeral is this Saturday.
Gravity: notices your buldge Proto star: Blushes
Me: sipping toast Why?
His lawyer, a lawyer bird obviously, visited him. "How bad is it?" The crow asked. "Pretty bad." The lawyer bird replied. "They had a warrant to go through your phone." "So what?" The crow said. "I've got nothing to hide." "They found the texts to your friends." The lawyer bird said. "So now it's a crime to ask my fellow crows to hang?" The crow exclaimed. "They were all to busy anyway" "You're lucky they were." The lawyer bird replied "They've got you on attempted murder!"
It's the little things that count!
He took me to the edge of our rather large property, He shot one tree, then another, then another, with very impressive aim. "Alright son, you're up!" I aimed at a tree that hadn't been shot yet "No son! Not that one!" "Why not?" "Because that's not archery!" So I shot one of the others "Was that alright?" "That's fine, that's archery."
I guess they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom. He'd only have sex with the lights off. The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good. However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light. She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand. There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do." The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".
Dad: That’s a D, idiot.
I was having anal sex with my girlfriend and suddenly her dad barged through the door and she screamed "Dad, I'm sorry!" Then he turned to me and asked, "Are you fucking Sorry?"
Some lady got her nipple pierced. And I got banned from playing darts.
Take your foot off his head. ** Edit: Some people PM'd me to tell me they found this offensive. I reread it and I agree. Here is the updated version of the joke: Q. How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning? A. Take your foot off his or her head. Again, I apologize to any feminists out there for my originally posted version.
A man is showing his friend around his town. They pass a boy selling newspapers on the side of the road.
The man nudges his friend and says, "See that kid? He's got to be the stupidest kid in the whole wide world. Watch this." He walks up to the kid as his friend watches, and holds out a five dollar and a ten dollar bill. "Hey kid, pick one." The kid looks between the notes and eventually takes the five dollar bill. The man laughs and pockets the other note and walks back to his friend, still laughing. "See what I mean?" he says, shaking his head. "Every damn time. Stupid kid never learns." His friend is puzzled, but doesn't say anything. Later in the evening he decides to take a stroll alone and spots the boy again. Curiosity overcomes him, and he goes over and asks, "Hey kid, why do you keep taking the five dollar bill every time?" "Because, mister, the day I take the ten dollar bill, the game ends."
Hillary's emails. Nobody can get over those fuckin' things apparently
Came up with any other phrases. Edit: Thank you for the silver
Tastes like ass.
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser.
The Brexit – you promise to pull out but you don’t
No text found
Running, jk rowling
I say, "Because there may be a salad dressing."
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
During her tour, accompanied by doctors, nurses, and hospital board members, she passed a room with a man furiously masturbating. "OH MY! HOW INAPPROPRIATE!" she exclaims "Your majesty, he suffers from a medical condition where he generates so much sperm his testicles will explode if that is not done at least daily" one of the doctors explains. "Oh…well I suppose that is understandable" the queen says, and they continue the tour. A few minutes later they pass a room where a patient is receiving a blow job from a rather attractive nurse. "AND WHAT IS GOING ON THERE?!" the queen shouts, almost fainting. "Same condition, better health plan."