Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer…
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
My 6 month old son has his first milk shake today.
My wife was breastfeeding him during the earthquake.
A porn actor calls in sick
"I can't come today"
Did you hear about McDonald’s trying to get into the steakhouse market?
It was a big McSteak.
Halloween teens Party
A young boy walks into a Halloween teen party with no shirt on, only wearing a pair of loose jeans. The host says, “Well, , this is a costume party.” The young boy responds, “I’m in costume. I’m a premature ejaculation.” The host asks, “how’s that?” “I just came in my pants.”
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Curiosity.
I like to disassociate myself from the word ‘Xenophobia’
It's a bit too foreign-sounding for my liking.
“Life is like a box of chocolates”
“It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.”
What does the sniper say to his gf after a breakup?
I won't miss you.
Getting hit on by a hot gay guy is like finding a million pesos
I can’t do anything with this now, but if I ever cross that line I’m all set

Elephants have been defamed and maligned with this disgraceful association for far too long
https://ift.tt/2RKmreA
What’s blue and not heavy?
Light blue.
I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side.
I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me. And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them.
In The Matrix, Neo’s mother was good at addition
She knew how to carry The One
Poor old man…
“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?” The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
Why don’t people get up early in Athens?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece. 😆
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!”
I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
My wisdom will kill me one day
I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle, bought a bottle of whisky and put it in the bicycle basket As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the whisky before I cycled home. Finally, it turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home. Imagine what would have happened to the bottle!…. Edit => Wow , thanks for all the upvotes. However, I feel bad, as it is not my own joke
Why do potatoes make great crime fighters?
Because they always keep their eyes peeled.
Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa… naked.
Best laugh I’ve had in a long time.
So my dog was barking at something outside and I was chilling in my recliner. I called her over to me, looked her dead in the eyes and told her she has barkinson’s disease. I then burst out in laughter almost falling out of my chair.
A Roman walks in a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says:
"I'll have 5 beer please."
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I said, I don't hate your relatives, in fact, I like your mother in law a lot more than I like mine
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard
Johnny and Ruth are biking down a hill.
Ruth hits a tree. Johnny decides to continue on. Ruthlessly.
![[True story] My Grandma and Grandpa were arguing. My grandpa exclaimed, “I’m the King, and you’re nothing!” So my Grandma replied…](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/no_image_card-103-400x247.png)
[True story] My Grandma and Grandpa were arguing. My grandpa exclaimed, “I’m the King, and you’re nothing!” So my Grandma replied…
“Oh yeah? Then you’re the King of nothing!”
Officer: “I’m sorry to say this sir, but it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a truck.”
Man: "Yeah… But she's got a great personality!"
I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren’t the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months……
Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed! Edit: Thank you everyone for the awards!
Kermit The Frog and Henry The Eighth…
…have the same middle name
A Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, Naked . . .
. . . except for his boots. “Where your clothes at, Slim?” “Back at the barn. I was feeding the horses when a beautiful blonde drove up. She says, ‘I wanna show you something in the barn. Follow me.’ So I followed her. She says, ‘Take off all your clothes.’ So I do. Then she takes off her clothes, and says, ‘You like what you see?’ Fellers, she had the most bodacious body I ever did see! I said, ‘Yes, ma’am, I do!’” Then she lays down on a blanket, all friendly-like, and says, ‘Well, then, go to town, Cowboy!’ So I pulled on my boots and here I am.”
The best thing about Japanese porn is they censor it,
so I can watch it with my family.
My town’s population never changes.
Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
In light of the multiple recent crashes of its airplanes, Boeing announced a revolutionary new aircraft design made out of rubber…
Now, it won't crash, it'll just go, "Boeing Boeing Boeing!"
What’s the difference between a mechanic and a priest?
The mechanic waits til you've grown up to fuck you.
Due to reposts I now try to guess the punchline before i open up a joke on Reddit. Can you guess how many I’ve gotten correct?
Bus driver. If you thought I was going to say "nun" you were probably surprised.
A man went to the doctor complaining about erectile dysfunction…
A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis. The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. She was leaning over the table in a low cut shirt, and sure enough he began to feel very uncomfortable. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly. Suddenly his penis emerged from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, and retreated into his pants. His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can take another dinner roll in the ass."
I don’t like people that take drugs.
Airport security, for example.