Lazy Libruls
Why do white teenage girls always hang out in groups of 3, 5 or 7?
They just, like, literally can't even
What do you get when rubbing two oranges together
Pulp friction
What starts with 0 and end with 0?
My bank account.
A man goes to his boss and says, “I need to leave early today, I’m going to be a father!”
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off.” When the man returned to work the next day, his boss came to his desk. "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy Or a girl?” “Not sure,” said the man, “but I’ll let you know in about 9 months.”
My boyfriend asked me why i never blinked during foreplay.
I said I didn't have time .
Hey girl, are you a cop?
… because you’ve taken my breath away.
I saw an all-male choir performing on the weekend. I said…
…"There are 99 people in that choir." My son, who was with me, asked, "Wow dad! How did you count them so quickly?" I replied, "They are singing "Africa" by Toto. It's something that a hundred men or more could never do."
My teacher always starts her class by reading one of the posts from r/jokes, but today she’s absent.
So instead, a subreddit.
New job
A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.” “OK, have you ever been in the military service?” “Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.” The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.” Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?” The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.” The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Disabled in your country’s service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay.” Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day.” The guy is puzzled and asks, “if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM, why don’t you want me here until 10:00 AM?” “This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”
As a lumberjack i know i have cut down 2,718 trees.
Because every time I cut one down I keep a log.
Why can’t you fool an aborted fetus ?
It wasn’t born yesterday
A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
A detective arrives at the scene of a crime and immediately knows what the murder weapon is
It was a brief case Edit: my first silver! Thank you, kind stranger.
A higgs boson particle goes into a church…
…and the preacher says, “higgs boson aren’t allowed in here! you call yourself the God particle, sacrilege!!” …to which the higgs boson particle replies “if you don’t allow higgs boson particles, how do you have mass?”
I tried to eat a clock the other day.
It was really time consuming
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked me with tears in his eyes and said…
“You know, one would’ve been enough!”
If you see a Spanish person tell them “mucho”
It means a lot to them
At midnight it will officially be Ramones time.
2020, 24 hours to go…
I asked my Chinese friend what it’s like living in China
He says he can't complain.
I can’t find my “Gone in 60 seconds” DVD
It was here a minute ago
Wireless Application Protocol (WAP) is a technical fashionable for accessing information over a mobile wi-fi network.
Wireless Application Protocol (WAP) is a technical fashionable for accessing information over a mobile wi-fi network. A WAP browser is an internet browser for cell gadgets such as mobile phones that makes use of the protocol. Introduced in 1999, WAP completed a few popularity within the early 2000s, but by means of the 2010s it were largely outmoded by more modern-day requirements.https://ift.tt/2pNZFXJ contemporary handset net browsers now fully assist HTML, so they do not need to use WAP markup for web page compatibility, and consequently, maximum are not able to render and display pages written in WML, WAP’s markup language.
Knowing sign language could really come in handy.
No text found
The “Avengers: Endgame” trailer had 289 million views in 24 hours.
It would have been 578 million views, but…
Waited months for new kitchen and lorry capsized less than 300yatds from my home
https://ift.tt/2Wr1S9G
If it helps others or those less fortunate, then he will always ignore the problem
https://ift.tt/39jutk7
The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous,
but backwards it’s even more stupid
Whats you father’s occupation?
Asked the school secretary, filling in the forms at the start of the academic year. "He's a magician," said the small boy. "How interesting! What's his favorite trick? "Sawing people in half." "Really? Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?' "Yes, one half brother and two half-sisters."
My girlfriend told me to stop singing “I’m a Believer”.
At first, I thought she was joking. But then I saw her face…
Genie: What will your first wish be?
Dave: I want to be rich. Genie: And your second wish? Rich: I want lots of money.
My uncle’s zodiac sign was Cancer, which was ironic, because he died
from being crushed by a giant crab.
I tried to catch some fog
I mist
Which body part dies last ?
The eyes, because they dilate.
Did you hear about the guy who was obsessed with buying condos?
He had an apartment complex.
We all know where the big apple is, but do you know where…
The Minneapolis?