Le Speech 100
What does a goat put on after his pants?
His goatee
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered the fee doesn’t include a driver
Can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it
I went to a beautiful wedding this weekend.
It was so emotional. Even the cake was in tiers.
What do orcs want above anything else?
More doors.
Not mine but I can’t find the original creator, if you find them pls contact me
https://ift.tt/2whrgE2
Why don’t ghosts like rain on halloween?
It dampens theirs spirits.
I asked a chef if he ever served a steak raw..
He said yeah but it’s rare.
Where’s the best place in France to take in the sights?
The Eyeful Tower. …ok, that one was bad. Paris-itic, even.
Me: *licking lips in anticipation* I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
Instructor: don't lick my lips again.
How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
Did you hear Marry Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?
Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious
It’s a conversation between me and my 6 y o cousin…Sorry if it is not funny enough for you
him: Knock knock me: Who's there? him: A snail me: a snail who? him: a snail you threw out of the window two weeks ago asking why
A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.
“I had sex with another woman last night,” he tells her. “But I was thinking of you the whole time.” “You miss me that much?” she asks. “No,” he says. “But it kept me from cumming too fast.
After my wife died, I couldn’t even look at another woman for 10 years.
But now that I'm out of prison, I can honestly say it was worth it.
They say dress for the job you want, not the job you have
My boss still didn’t think a spacesuit was “appropriate work attire”.
Did you know you can’t run in campgrounds?
You can only ran, because it's past tents
Jail is more than just a word…
… it's a sentence
How do you stop a fight between two blind men?
Just say you're rooting for the man with the knife.
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him. The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!” The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Why was Han Solo crying at the dinner table?
Because the meat was Chewie.
What did one plate say to the other?
Lunch is on me
Comedian doing crowd work gets an answer he wasn’t ready for and handles it perfectly
https://youtu.be/rV8XhzG_rAg
A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm.
When emergency services arrived, they asked the farmer what happened? FARMER: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them. One of the firemen asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"? FARMER: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive". But I couldn't believe them. You know, these politicians. They can lie.
I pinned a Rolex to the post just outside my house
It's the neighborhood watch.
life is more complex especially when you choose to own and maintain a fancy 2-door car
https://ift.tt/3cXcxyE
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat any dinner?
They were already stuffed!
Three construction workers are sitting down on a beam of a skyscraper to eat their lunch…
First guy says, "Tuna fish on rye again? I tell ya. If that bitch makes me tuna fish on rye again tomorrow, I'm just going to jump off this building and kill myself!" Second guy says, "Leftover meatloaf for the third day in a row! If I gotta eat this crap one more day, I'm just going to jump off this building and end it all!" Third guy says, "Bologna sandwiches again! Yuck! If I gotta eat this shit one more time, I'm just gonna jump." The next day, the first guy opens his lunch. He sees it's a tuna on rye, and he yells, "FUCK!!!" and he jumps off the building and splatters on the street below. The second guy opens his lunch box. "Goddamn meatloaf again! That's it!" And he leaps to his death as well. Splat! The third guy opens his lunch box. "FUCK!" he says. "Bologna! Goodbye, world!" And he steps off the girder too. A moment later, he splatters on the street below. At the funeral, the widows are sobbing and crying to the heavens. "Oh, Joe! If you'd only you'd told me you didn't like tuna fish! I would have made you something else!" And she breaks down, inconsolable. The second widow tears at her shirt. "Bill! Dear sweet Bill! Why didn't you tell me you hated meatloaf so much! I had a fridge full of cold cuts of all types!" And she collapses to the floor, heartbroken. Everybody looks at the third widow, sitting there knitting all by herself. She looks up and realizes they're staring. "Don't look at me," she says. "That idiot packed his own lunches."
I’m so disappointed in this generation
These days, people will click on anything even if it's nothing more then a catchy title
My son is now at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I was using ancestry.com and I found out that my great grandfather was from Transylvania.
Now I can’t even look myself in the mirror.
What do you call Bigfoot in Europe?
Big Meter.
