Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover there butt Quacks! Straight from my ten year old…. I’m so proud.
What do ducks smoke?
What rhymes with banana?
No it doesn't
How Kotlin was created…
haha phone bad
It really be like that
What’s hitlers second name?
Is this the best Year??!!??!!?
Me and my wife stopped talking for weeks after we blamed each other for not defrosting the refrigerator.
Finally, I decided to break the ice.
No mask, no problem
The websites won’t work! >:(
The mathematics of the universe is truly exquisite
I think a new acronym is warranted
I can’t go out to buy drapes for my windows…
These are uncurtain times
Interviews are fun
G.O.P. Circa – 2020 AD
Half-Life 2 turned 15 3 days ago
My daughter told we she is a vegan.
I told her it is a huge missed steak.
Not even sure how this qualifies as humor
Why couldn’t Hitler eat oranges?
Because he hated the juice.
Nothing could make them kill their golden goose
I’m more of a python user but ok
Dating a single mother
Is like continuing from someone else’s saved game
Just bought a new ‘Lesbian Bed’ from Ikea. Instructions say no nuts or screwing involved. It’s all tongue and groove.
Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in the lawyer’s office
Lawyer: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is mentally unstable." Mickey: "I didn't say she was unstable… I said she was fucking Goofy."
Please vote in november
I would give myself an A+ as captain
A blind woman told me I had a big dick
She was just pulling my leg.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs
They always take things literally.
So I hear they are going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains…..
….maybe ours will now run on Thyme.
Sums up my school days
Your penis so small….
That when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.
Which is it?
I called work this morning and whispered, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.” He exclaimed, “You have a wee cough!?”
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
Did you hear about the fugitive’s wife?
She was a runaway bride
Telltale Games will shut down…
Fans will remember that
Yeah… seems a bit out dated
None of you actually know what a propaganda is, do you?
It’s when a British person takes a good look at something
You can’t create a meme with IDEs, they said
This kid is going places
Am I normal?
they had us in first half not gonna lie
getting to the heart of the matter
Me talking politics with my mom
Sen. Mitch McConnell Responds to Calls to Recuse Himself from Impeachment Hearings
My friends son asked me if I know how to speak lizard
I told him “I don’t. But i guana learn someday”
The most impractical way to code… ever
New year, new me
Remember having sex on a regular basis keeps your memory alive!
Hope you all have a great Christmas and wishing you a merry 2014
Bernie will ruin our economy, says man who helped cause the Great Recession.
[NSFW] A Lawyer Marries a Woman who has had 10 Divorces.
On their wedding night, she tells him, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was … Ohhh … God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
What was Frosty doing in the Vegetable Aisle?
Picking his nose!
I laughed out loud
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. NSFW
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, “What are you doing?” She answers, “I’m moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.” Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he’s going,he replies, “I’m coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year”.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1 Anna 2
Why is the letter “C” afraid of the rest of the alphabet?
Because all the other letters are Not-Cs
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night.
She spat it right back in my face. Credits: Jimmy Carr
At breakfast, a husband says to his wife, “I want to try doggy tonight.”
Surprisingly enough, the wife agrees. So that night, both quite excited, the husband cooks his wife a lovely dinner. After enjoying the meal they head upstairs and get into bed. The husband leans over to his wife, kisses her on the cheek and says, "night night sweet heart" The wife turns on her bedside lamp, confused, and says, "What? What about doggy?" The husband replies, "Honey, I can't believe you enjoyed it so much you want more. I'm sorry, but there's none left, I'll cook it again for you next week."
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?
In charge of the sequence. Yoda was.