Lean on Me
I showed my lawyer the damaged remains of my bag and asked him whether I can sue the airline.
He said, “You don’t seem to have much of a case.”
A man was found abusing words
He got a sentence.
A slice of apple pie is $2.00 in Jamaica, and $2.50 in the Bahamas.
These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas…
FML, now I'm stuck taking care of the puppy.
Whats the difference between running in front of a car and running after a car?
When you run after the car, you get exhausted. If you run in front of it, you'll get tired.
Seeing a pattern here. It’s almost like the rule of law doesn’t matter to one group…
https://ift.tt/2M06X2D
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
How do you tell if noodles are old?
If they’re pasta expiration date.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off!
i just invented a new word
its called Plagiarism
I hate crowds, and just walked into a room full of married people.
Thankfully, there wasn’t a single person in there.
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
What is the difference between Inlaws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are Wanted…
I used to be an electrician…
…but the working conditions were shocking
A man gives his wife blood to keep her alive.
Later they split up, man says, I want my fucking blood back, wife throws a tampon at him and says I'll pay monthly.
I took my dog, Flip, to the skate park with my son. I swear that kid is crazy.
He said, "Dad, do you want to see me kick Flip?"
My sister bet me $15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight…
to fulfill my fantasy… that we have health insurance.
Two Women Were Playing Golf…
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain." "Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" She told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnnoo, I'll be alright…I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. She gently took his hands away and laid them to his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage to his privates for several long moments and then asked, “How does that feel”? The man looked up at her and replied, "That feels pretty good … but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own
Because its two-tired.
Told my PC gamer friend that I bought a home for my rodent.
He should see my new mouse pad.
My missus packed my bags and left them in the hallway
As I walked out the door, she screamed… "I wish you a slow and painful death you bastard!!" "Oh!" I replied "so you want me to fucking stay now!"
Thank god this guy is going to have sex with a billionaire actress half his age.
https://ift.tt/2yRNP3u
I heard a little pun the other day
It wasn't fully groan
Where do suicide bombers go after they die?
Everywhere. Edit: Whoa thanks for the toilet seat.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From the well, actually.
Been dating the same girl for 5yrs.
Been dating the same girl for 5yrs and I always keep her picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life I take out my wallet and stare at her picture. And it comforts me knowing that if I can survive being in a relationship with this psychopath, I can survive anything.
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help…
…but I stand corrected.
I think I’m done buying trash bags.
I always end up throwing them away anyways.
Geology rocks …
but geography is where it’s at!!
Creating a joke is one thing. But delivering it is another.
I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.
Some may find it funny, some may find it sad. I make all of these out of dead rats!
https://ift.tt/2W2uLri