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Smoking will kill you, bacon will kill you…
Smoking bacon cures it
My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blonde hair…
If I ever opened a car repair shop, I would call it “Auto-Correct”.
Then I'd paint the floor with those red squiggly lines…
Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
They don’t have the guts.
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in your jeans.
OC boomer comics are now limited to Sundays. If it’s satire, it belongs on r/antiboomershumor
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I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
If you hit Dwayne Johnson’s ass
Does it mean you hit rock bottom
One in 3 Americans
weighs as much as the other two combined
After Adam stayed out for a few nights, Eve became suspicious.
“You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded. “What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re the only one here.” That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest. “What are you doing?” “Counting your ribs.”
I’ve tried to use the word “mucho” when speaking with my Hispanic friends.
It really means a lot to them.
Someone stole my mood ring
Not sure how I feel about that
I made these propaganda posters to help clear up some of the administration’s messaging
https://ift.tt/2YcFsu4
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out the dog.
Just flew in from Asgard
And boy, are my arms Thor!
My dad burst into my room and said, “Wanna hear a joke?”, and then proceeded to fart for a whole minute.
He said. “Sorry. That was a long winded story.”
What did the mamma llama say to the baby llama said he was out of lunch money?
"Alpaca lunch for you”
Nobody knew who the Iranian general was a few days ago…
He just kinda blew up
I was addicted to soap
but now I'm clean.
Did you hear the one about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
I asked a train engineer how many times he’s derailed the train.
He looked at me and said "I honestly don't know… It's hard to keep track".
Most people think that T-Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms
But it's actually because they're dead
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A father in law
People tell me that my phone is more powerful than the computer that put astronauts on the moon.
Yet when I use my phone to navigate it will tell me to turn when there is no turn. But I guess it makes sense since there aren’t a lot of turns between Earth and the Moon.
Got laid off today, boss hadn’t removed me from all chats, so I left on my own terms.
https://ift.tt/2VuzQKk
A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border
He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience: "What happened?" asked his family. "Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it happens no one is shocked.
An Australian guy walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm.
He asks the bartender if he will give him free drinks if he shows he can put his penis inside the crocs mouth for 15 seconds without it getting bit off. The bartender agrees. The guy opens the crocs mouth and puts his penis inside it; the croc gently closes his mouth and after 15 seconds the Australian hits him over the head with a bottle, causing the croc to open his mouth and let the guy withdraw his penis. The bartender starts serving the free drinks to the Australian and then tells everyone in the bar "If anyone else can do that then I will give them free drinks also". There is a pause and then a blonde woman calls out "ok, I will do it but please don't hit me so hard over the head with the bottle". "
I’m afraid of confusing words that sound the same but spelled differently.
I’m homophonophobic.
What do you call a Chinese Disease?
Kung Flu.
How are Romeo and Juliet like the current pandemic?
One's a Corona Virus the other is a Verona Crisis.
What do you get when you lick a Toyota?
The corolla virus.
What does an angry pepper do?
It gets jalapeño face.
Genie: Okay what’s your last wish?
Me: I wish I had a tail. Genje: Wejrd but okay.
Therapist: your wife says you never buy her flowers.
Husband: to be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
What washes up on tiny beaches?
Microwaves!
God said to John come forth and have everlasting life.
But he came in fifth and won a toaster.
A man had been drinking at a bar all night and pukes down the front of his shirt.
“Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to which he replies “a drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning”. To which his wife says “Ok well then why do you have $40 in your hand?” “Because he also shit in my pants.”
NSFW.. Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.” Priest: “What have you done my child?”
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl: "Because he touched my hand." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he touched my breast." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where." Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "But father he had AIDS!" Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
Before my surgery my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
My girlfriend keeps accusing me of being a cheater
She's starting to sound like my wife