lEaVe HiM aLoNe!!!!
Just a bit stochastic
A drunk German is urinating on a bush
An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, "Gross!" The German says, "Danke!"
I phoned my work this morning and said, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.”
He said, “You have a wee cough?” I said, “Really? Thanks boss, see you next week!”
I accidentally bought too many art supplies
I'm having an excess stencil crisis.
My daughter lost her first tooth today
I bet she won't touch my X- box again !
Interview question employers should be prepared to answer
Dark mode friendly
Coding on a phone is the best kind of coding
My grandpa’s “triple pun”
This joke holds a special place in my heart. My grandpa told me it and I never forgot it. About 2 years later when I brought it up to him, he didn't remember it. So I told him the joke and he peed himself laughing … At his own joke. "Why did the man ask for his eggs Benedict to be served on a hubcap?" "Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise"
Do you not see me?
The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous,
But backwards it’s even more stupid.
What does a horny frog say
Have you ever been to a corn field in the middle of the night
And felt like you were being STALKED It can feel very EARY Sorry about this pun being too CORNY The joke must really SHUCK
Why are teeth so privileged?
They’re straight and white.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Skeletons are incapable of movement since they are inanimate objects
Pretty much, yeah…
Pigeons playing chess
Guy: I’m hungover
Girl: Stop flirting with me on the walkie talkies, someone’s gonna hear us. Over.
Math is hard
RIP his art career
while (guy) guy = guy.knownGuy;
A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you?” “Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book. “I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked. “First time since my wife passed away last year,” he replied, and again turned back to his book. “Do you live around here?” she asked. “Yes, I live over in Suntree,” he answered, and then resumed reading. Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. “Do you like pussycats?” With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life! As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, “How did you know that was what I wanted?” The man replied, “How did you know my name was Katz?”
They’ve got a point… they never give the doctors credit
The Difference In Response
Hear that morons?
The Silver Bullet Band is getting back together for a world tour, but without their lead singer …
Well, that's close but no Seger. Old time rock and roll never forgets.
My son’s nursery school just bought some brand new air fresheners…
It's a day care scenter.
My grandfather keeps telling us that when he dies, we should try to convert his ashes into a diamond.
That’s a lot of pressure.
Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it – Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.' Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
Makes my job easier.
What’s the difference between a fish, guitar, and a pot of glue?
“You can tune a guitar but you can’t tune a fish” “What about the pot of glue” “I knew you’d get stuck on that”
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with you.
But I can see where you are coming from.
Baby gender reveal at my family reunion
My brother’s wife has been pregnant for five months and decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people. One night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally. Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, “Do you have a name for the baby yet?” My brother replies, “Yeah. Liana Noelle.” Everyone starts to “Ooohhh” and “Ahhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is. Then after a moment I shout, “How the hell are you supposed to spell Liana with no L?”
ENGINEERING DEGREE FANTASY VS REALITY YAKUZA EDITION
A woman is walking down the street when she bumps into an old friend she hasn’t seen in a long time. They sit down on a bench and catch up on their lives.
Friend: So do you have any kids? Woman: Yes, I have 5 boys. Friend: Nice! What are their names? Woman: Steve. Friend: You mean… All of them are named Steve? Woman: Exactly, it's so much easier that way! It's hard enough to supervise 5 boys playing together, it's even worse if I have to call them one by one. All I have to do is shout "STEVE!!!" and they all turn around immediately! Friend: But what if you only want to talk to one of them at a time? How do you differentiate them? Woman: Oh, well in that case, I just call them by their last name…
I recently fucked my best friend after my girlfriend dumped me.
I don’t know wtf I was doing fucking a guy but I obviously wasn’t thinking straight
Life is like a dick
Some times its up, sometimes its down, but it wont be hard forever. Too bad life is short.
Hard to reproduce bugs
A husband will only have sex with his wife on one condition
A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom. He'd only have sex with the lights off. The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good. However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light. She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand. There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do." The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".
My uncle posts these on our family group chat 24/7
Takes a long time to craft but…
Poor guy getting photoshopped
What’s the difference between a cow and the crucifixion?
You can’t milk a cow for 2,000 years.
Seriously, just send me a bill…
I’m looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage…
Only driven from time to time.
Based on a tragic story
What does a pregnant teenager and her baby have in common?
They're both thinking "Oh crap, mom is gonna kill me."
What do you call a deaf dog?
Doesn’t matter, he ain’t coming.
Ice Cube with the cold truth
Donnie, you’re out of your element.
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN…
They become VERY ANGRY
How do you avoid clickbait?
No text found
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8…
How superbugs are made
How do you turn a joke into a dad joke?
You make the punchline apparent.
It all depends on how you do it!!
Yes programmers run too.
Your name is literally “all 360”
A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.”
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"
An interesting title
Why did the writer have his desk next to the window?
He liked to feel the draft coming in.
…and besides, cold blooded reptilians are immune to the rona
Inorganic chemistry: No one can master me!!
Should POTUS know geography? “Bomb Ireland! Wait.. Iran! Dammit!”
Thank you for the break bud!
That’s a lotta damage!
I MADE MY FIRST MEME TODAY