Back in the day, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Now, everyone owns a car and the rich have horses…
My, how the stables have turned!!
if u didnt spend 6 hours automating a task that takes you 30 seconds did you really do work
https://ift.tt/3duj3Nn
I dialed a suicide hotline in Iraq
They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck
I have a friend who keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar…
…but I don’t believe him…
I saw my wife using her phone to record her getting a haircut.
I think she’s planning to watch the highlights later.
What do you call two transgender midgets having sex?
Microtransaction
Should I YOLO and put all of my 401k into this hot new stonk?
Should I YOLO and put all of my 401k into this hot new stonk?
There was an emperor who was great at measuring things.
He was an excellent ruler.
There are only 3 types of people in the world
The ones that can count, and the ones that can't
Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands? Same as with the Virgin Islands…
No canaries there either.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked me with tears in his eyes and said…
“You know, one would’ve been enough!”
What do you after an Apple turns bad?
You open windows.
What does a grape say when it’s squashed?
Nothing, it just lets out a little wine.
Kermit The Frog and Henry The Eighth…
…have the same middle name
My wife bent over to put the dishes in the dishwasher…
I walked up behind her, placed my crotch in the center of her ass and gave a thrust. “Excuse me!” she shouted. “I’m trying to put a load in the dishwasher!” “Me too”, I replied.
I went to the doctor and he said i was going deaf.
It's been 3 weeks and I have not heard from him since.
“I used to be a Christian”
The girl said. The boy chuckled "that's fine what made you Convert?" The girl turned and said "I feel more like a Christina than a Christian"
An Englishman, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer.
The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded: "Yes" "Oui" "Sì" "Ja"
How do you know when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.
When you say the word “poop”
your mouth moves just like your butt-hole does when you poop. The same is true for "explosive diarrhea".
I broke two of my dads Queen records…
Now I want to break three.
A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan
A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce." The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?" The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks. When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?" The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
I served a hipster a pizza but he burned his mouth.
He ate it before it was cool. 🤦🏻♂️
I’m not sure if I like toast.
On the upside, it’s buttered. But on the downside, it’s not.
Bro you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
When the documentation you are reading refers you to the documentation of another library
https://ift.tt/3cbyDNI
Two deer walks out of a gay bar…
One says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there".
If I won $300,000, I’d give a quarter of it to charity.
…I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $299,999.75 though.
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side
[At the chameleon store]
Me: Do you have any chameleons? Clerk: I have no fucking idea
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high
She looked surprised
A man walks into a restaurant and notices Lobster tales for a cent on the menu.
He asks the waiter: "Why they are available so cheap? What's wrong with them?" Waiter says, "Nothing, actually they've been bought here just today." So the man orders some. The waiter returns with a book, sits down and says, "Once upon a time, there was a big red lobster…"
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide but you can't run!