[Legit] found this gem on the bookface
iPhone 12 Commercial Parody – 48 CAMERAS!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-1h1wU-ODM&ab_channel=DanielJacobsFilms
My wife kicked me out of the house because I’m still singing Christmas songs.
I said, "But Baby, its cold outside."
Where do camels go on vacation
Notre Dame
So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…" "Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go," the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I think I can save you 10K".
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture…
But when I got home, the tables were turned…
What did Jesus say after he resurrected on the third day?
“You crossed the wrong guy” I think all the redditors will agree, with this joke, I nailed it Edit: I am a Christian myself and I dont mean to offend anyone, I just thought it was hilarious.
Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…
They’ve left no tern unstoned…
First joke I’ve ever come up with. So far nobody has laughed
I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 2020"
How do you avoid clickbait?
No text found
What is the most popular animal in Reddit?
A karmadillo.
Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
I just found a dead body in the street
So I took it home and put it on the cat's pillow See how she fucking likes it !
I yelled, “COW!” at a woman on a bike
As she rode by. She looked at me, gave me the finger, and turned back around and promptly plowed her bike into the cow. I tried.
I was fired from the calendar factory
How? I took a day off
What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?
I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.
I just watched a documentary on beavers.
Best dam movie I've ever seen.
My wife said to me she doesn’t understand cloning.
I said that makes 2 of us.
Why do gay people laugh at everything?
Because they cant keep a straight face
As a child i was molested by mimes
They did unspeakable things to me.
Why can’t you trust atoms?
because they make up everything.
A waiter once asked me: “Do you wanna box for your leftovers?”
I said: “No, but I’ll wrestle you for them!”
Woman walks into a gun store.
"It's for my husband" she tells the owner. "Did he tell you what caliber to get"?, the owner asked. "Are you kidding, he doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him"
Where does the neckbeard get his water?
The well, actually.
Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?
They push twins together to make a king.
I was once in an airplane when I realized the pilot didn’t pass any proper training
He was just winging it
What did the atom say when it kept losing electrons?
I really need to keep an ion them.
What does DNA stand for?
National dyslexia association
I’ve always had an irrational fear of speed bumps.
But I'm slowly getting over it.
Hypothermia is the coolest way to die
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The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.
They're the Tolkien white guys.
Scottish Humor
It’s called a “Kilt” because I kilt the last man who called it a skirt. Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order. A lot of people wonder what a true Scotsman wears under his kilt, but don't ask him: he'll not tell ya, he'll show ya. In Scotland, we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. For even though we might lose some of our southern cities, at least we'll get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown. 🙂
psychologist girl and law boy
> A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?” > The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" > All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. > After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?” > The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!” > All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
Just went in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask.
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
Boss told me that as a security guard, it’s my job to watch the office
I’m on season 6 and I’m not really sure what this show has to do with security
My friend told me not to drink from the wall.
I knew he meant well.
NSFW What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One is a Goodyear, one is a great year.
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020
Because they had a fight and 2021
My dad threw a cheese shredder at me and he missed
I ran away and he yelled at me: “get back here you ungrateful child”
My wife says I’m the cheapest man in the world.
I'm not buying it.