LEGIT HILARIOUS
What’s funnier than the plague?
This week? Just about anything.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl..”
Boss: There’s no such thing as a problem. There are only opportunities. Man: Oh ok. Then I have a serious drug opportunity.
What’s the best thing to put on a hot dog?
Water, to cool him down.
A teenage girl was at a catholic confession booth…
Verry embarrased, she admitted that she had gotten a bit too frisky with her boyfriend the night before. Now, the priest was relatively new to this position in the church, and didnt know how to correctly assign penance for her actions, so he told her he needed to pray for a minute to hear what God had to say. After a few minutes the girl was becoming incredibly nervous, assuming that this length of prayer was sure to warrant a heavy punishment. To help ease her racing mind, she poked her head out of the confession booth and waved one of the alter boys to come over. She then asked him, "How much does the Priest usually give for a blowjob?" To which the boy replied, "Usually five bucks and a snickers!"
A friend asked me,” What rhymes with orange?”
I said," No, it doesn't."
My wife and I went out for dinner the other day. When I ordered a steak she angrily said “You really like meat huh, murderer?!”
I sighed and replied "I has been 20 years, can you please stop bringing up the time I shot your father?"
My grandfather, who was in the army, once told me, “1940, I met my first love. 1946, my second. 1950, I met the woman of my dreams.”
“It was quite a hectic evening.”
My book on clocks just arrived.
It’s about time.
I didn’t vaccinate my five kids
and both of them turned out fine.
Guy walks into a bar. He sees a jar full of twenty dollar bills. He asks the bartender what it’s for.
"I have a horse in the stable behind the bar. You put in twenty bucks and try to make my horse laugh. If you make him laugh, the whole jar is yours but if you fail then you're out twenty bucks." So the guy puts in twenty, goes to the stable and a minute later the horse is laughing hysterically. Guy walks back to the bar and without saying a word to the bartender, who has a stupefied look on his face, takes the jar of twenties and leaves. A year later the same guy comes back to the bar and sees another jar full of twenties. He asks the bartender what it's for this time. "Well, ever since you came in here last year, my damn horse hasn't stopped laughing. You put in twenty bucks and if you can make him stop laughing the jar is yours." The guy puts in another twenty and goes to the stable. A minute later, dead silence. Not a sound from the horse. Guy walks back and picks up the jar. As he's about to leave, the bartender says "Hey wait a minute. You gotta tell me how you made my horse laugh and stop laughing when everyone else couldn't do either." The guy says "The first time I told your horse that my dick is bigger than his. The second time I proved it."
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing with his boss. Around 6:30 p.m., she began to worry.
Sam finally stumbled in around 8pm, and looked exhausted and worn out. "What happened? You were supposed to be here 3 hours ago. You look horrible!" Sam caught his breath and collapsed on his couch. "We were playing golf… we got to the third hole, and the boss had a heart attack and died on the spot." Jane gasped. "Oh my God- that must have been horrible!" "Tell me about it," replied Sam. "For 15 more holes, it was hit the ball, drag the boss, hit the ball, drag the boss…"
The Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up…
They formed an alloy-ence
Sign language really comes in handy
No text found
The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.
Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he fucked her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?” She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. “No.” Surprised, Guido reached for her and the fucking resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. It finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, “You finish?” Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, “No.” Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, “You finish?? Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear… “No, I Norwegian.”
My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently.
They said they wouldn’t mind if we did it the “old fashioned way” as they weren't man haters! For six months now we’ve been trying but I just don’t have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
What do you call a dog that does magic?
A labracadabrador
I showed my damaged luggage to a lawyer, and said, “I want to sue the airline!”
The lawyer said, “You don’t have much of a case.”
How many lumberjacks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
'Bout tree fellers.
If anyone needs a tip on where to store leftover Halloween candy…
I’ve got a few Twix up my sleeve.
Dear whoever stole my disc copy of Microsoft office
I will find you. You have my Word.
What does a pregnant teenage girl and her baby have in common?
They're both thinking "Oh shit, my mom is gonna kill me."
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
But none of them work
Why did the kid cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Imagine the titanic with a lisp..
It’s unthinkable
I asked my welsh friend how many sexual partners he’s had
He started counting but fell asleep.
If Satan ever loses his hair…
…there will be hell toupee.
If you are on a blind date, try using one of the jokes you read on this sub as an icebreaker.
That way, you can make sure they’re not some weirdo who reads /r/dadjokes.
A LAWYER is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over.
The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much it’s going to cost him to get it fixed. The cop loses his patience and says, “You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!” The lawyer is incensed and says, “How dare you call me materialistic? Do you know what I earn an hour? You have no idea what kind of pressure I’m under!” The cop says, “Well, you’re so concerned about your beamer, you didn’t notice the truck took your arm off at the elbow.” The lawyer looks down and screams “Fuck! My rolex!”
When you excel in life…
People start to spreadsheet about you. . . . . (I'll show myself out).
Today my son asked, “Can you lend me a book mark?”
I immediately burst into tears. 12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian
I’m not an alcoholic. In fact, there’s only three times I ever drink.
Before work, during work, and after work.
A teacher asks the class, “What are some examples of flammable objects?” and the Jewish student raises his hand.
The teacher replies, “Very good! Any other examples?”
![[request] taco fundraising puns](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/no_image_card-76-400x247.png)
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools because we have class.
A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,
She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe. 15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story. Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story. Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?" The son replied, "No, what? I was masturbating and I shot the dog."
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.
I told her we use names here.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?”
The professor replied, “Sorry. No Time.”
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
My friend looked at me and said, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you are wearing!”
I said, “Thanks, but I think we call them pants, not an ass shirt.”