My wife was disappointed when she found out why my friends call me “The Love Machine”.
Because I suck at tennis.
Now you know!!
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?…..
Same middle name.
German sausage is the wurst.
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“A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, ‘First offender?’
She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'"
Truth, as someone who lives in the middle
Just get a divorce already
Not so noble
A little Sunday Programming Humor
Chinese people eat cats hurr durr!
When simple sign is not enough
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!” "I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck. "And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly. Sorry about that.” says the barman, as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just, we don't get many a ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road” explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck, and wants to learn more. But takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. The duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays up, bids the barman a good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvellous!” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." “Swell. I’m always looking for the next job.” says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus.” says the barman. "The circus?" repeats the duck. "That's right.” replies the barman. "The circus??” the duck asks again "…with, the big tent?” "Yeah.” the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" asks the duck. "Of course.” the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right.” says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says… "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?!?!”
WhY cAn’T yOu PrOtEsT pEaCeFuLlY as if no one had tried that
I tried, okay?
Chemistry class was interesting
Last one is really shocking.
Straight to hell
I accodently froze myself to -273 degrees
But don't worry, I'm 0K.
The saddest birthday ever
Don’t know why I’m still surprised by things like this
The creator of mad libs died this week.
His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.
You hear about the wizard that dropped out of Hogwarts?
He couldn’t spell. Edit: J. K. Rowling has just notified me that this wizard was also gay. I’m not sure why that was relevant & I though the joke was good on its own, but she really wanted to clarify.
Black Mirror outdoing themselves
Only time he was right
I have the heart of a lion…
And a life time ban from the Central Park Zoo
Phone bad cockroach good
Kids scared of going outside
Dad jokes meet dog jokes
Do you know why redwood is the favorite tree species of every dog? It has the thickest bark.
I don’t understand, this is way too subtle for my millennial brain.
*object falls* energy:
My wife told me the kid almost burned the house down
Now i’m really scared of arson
What’s the difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl?
One shoots and shoots and never hits, and the other hoots and hoots and never shits.
C++ creator’s quote
My second wife left me because I have “revenge issues”
We'll see about that…
How do you say ‘what’s up dawg ‘ in Japanese
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
…but his brother Frank was a monster.
A man is walking down the street when he stumbles upon an old lamp. Giving it a rub a genie appears and says to him, "I will grant you one wish, what will it be?" The man thinks then says "Well, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I get sea sick and I'm too afraid to fly over all that water. I wish there was a bridge there so I could just drive over!" The genie replies "No way! Think of how much material that'd be! How about something else?" The man thinks again and comes up with another idea. "You know, I've always wanted to know how women think. What they feel and their emotions and dislikes. I wish I could understand women!" He grins and looks at the genie expectantly. "Two or four lanes?"
After my wide died, I couldn’t look at another woman for 18 years
But when i got out of prison, it was totally worth it
How long does it take to eat another banana?
Boomers 2019 vs Boomers 2020
90’s vs Nowadays (credit to r/4chan)
Did you hear about the electrician who played guitar?
He was really good with his chord changes
The endosymbiotic theory in a nut shell
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He ate his food before it was cool.
Hahaha, oh wait that’s me…
A cannibal is someone who…
…is fed up with people.
Have you heard of the reverse exorcism?
It’s where the devil appears and asks the priest to get out of the child.
difference between developer experience
My wife asked me whether my friends and I experimented with drugs and sex when we were in high school.
I said, “Yes. But I was part of the control group.”
I was telling my friend there’s only one thing I get really scared of at Halloween.
"Which is?" he asked. "Exactly."
Me in CS-101 writing my first insertion sort algorithm, 2014 [Colorized]
My aunty just sent me this with a cry-laughing emoji
You want to do WHAT?
There needs to be an age limit.
I saw a woman crying in the supermarket
So I stopped and asked what had happened. Through the sobs, said said that she was due to go on holiday, but all the money she had been saving for months was gone. Feeling sorry for her, I decided to give her £50 to try and help a bit. It's not something I'd normally do, but I just found £2,000 in the car park
The USA is Poor ?
What is air?
A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus.
He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play. One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus. The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right up and began play. There was no doubt that the octopus was an excellent guitar player. The man paid his handler $50 and sat down. Another man brought a saxophone to the octopus. The octopus took it and stared for a bit. After a minute or two the octopus began playing a deep and soulful jazz solo. This man paid his $50 and sat down. The bartender went into the back and brought out a set of bag pipes. The bartender said, “I’ll bet $100 that the octopus can’t play these bagpipes.” The man agreed and handed them to the octopus. The octopus sat there eying the bagpipes up and down for quite awhile. The handler began to get nervous so he said to the octopus, “Hurry up and start playing the thing” The octopus replied, “Play it? After I figure out how to get the pajamas off her I’m gonna screw it”
Two good friends go golfing
Two good friends go golfing and they come up on two women who are moving like molasses. One guy says that he'll go up and ask if they can play through. When he's half way to the women, he freezes, turns around and comes back pretty pale. "Sorry man, I can't do it! One's my wife and the other my mistress!" The other guy says he'll ask instead. Halfway to the women he suddenly stops turns around and comes back shaking his head. "Small world bro!"
What is a pirate’s favourite letter?
You may think it's R But his first love be the C
People say circumcision doesn’t hurt, but i have to disagree.
I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for nearly a year. So check your facts.
Your name is literally “all 360”
See? Cause men are dumb.
Yes i did it!
Karma’s a biotch