Legs for Days!
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test …
… and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut." The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.” The father responded, "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.
Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!” “You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied. Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.” “Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number?”
A Firefighter ran into a school holding a screwdriver and yelled…
Quick, everyone get out, this is NOT a drill!
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it happens no one is shocked.
A vegan kept telling me selling meat is gross
I said selling fruit and vegetables is grocer
How do you stop an argument between 2 deaf people?
Turn off the lights.
What does the sniper say to his gf after a breakup?
I won't miss you.
My girlfriend is like pi plus the square root of negative one.
Complex, irrational and barely more than a 3.
Shredded cheese was a great invention.
People were really grateful.
Never lacking
Never lacking
How do the doctors treat mesothelioma?
Asbestos they can!
Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands? And the same thing applies to the Virgin Islands;
There are no canaries there either.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
What do you call a dyslexic atheist?
A person who doesn't believe in dog.
Whoever invented auto-correct,
can go to hello. Edit: Wow thanks for the silver!
My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
What do you call a dog that eats other dogs?
A caninbal.
Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car
a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens……. "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis".
Why is 6 afraid of 7? (The answer is not what you are thinking)
Not what you are thinking.
What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?
One goes whack "shit" The other goes "shit" whack
A raisin, a peanut, and an oat sit down and order a drink.
The bartender says, “what do you think this is, a granola bar? “.
Somebody broke into my house and stole my limbo stick!
I mean… how low can you get!
How does a Jewish person make tea?
Hebrews it
What has a head, a tail, but no body?
A coin Source: my 7 year old sister
Why don’t ants get sick
Because they have little anty bodies
Why doesn’t Oedipus swear?
Because he kisses his mother with that mouth
This is a little long so get ready
So this dad likes to listen to his daughter's prayers every time she does them. One night when he is standing by her door, he overhears her say "God bless mom, God bless dad, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa." The dad is thinking "Ok that was pretty weird, but whatever." The next morning, he learns that the grandpa DIED. He remembers what his daughter said last night and thinks "Ok umm this could all just be a coincidence" and he thinks nothing of it. A month later and the daughter is doing the prayers again. "God bless mom, God bless dad, and goodbye grandma." Once again, the dad learns the next morning, that the grandma has died from a heart attack. Now he's a little freaked out and thinks "This definitely cannot be a coincidence now, but it still could be, so whatever." A few weeks later, he hears from his daughter's room, again, "God bless mom, and goodbye dad." Now he is totally freaking out because he thinks he's gonna die today. He spends all day being really cautious so he, you know, doesn't die. At 12:00am, he thinks "Yes! I made it! I didn't die!" Once he gets home from work, he goes over and he tells his wife, "Honey, I've had a really bad day today and-" The wife cuts in and says, "Yea me too! The mailman died on our porch!" ~this is my first post so ╮(─▽─)╭ ~
What does a house wear?
Address
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left