Leningrad Lindsey
Whenever I’m sad my friend always says “cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole that is full of water”
I know he means well… Edit: WOAH! my first silver. Thank you anonymous stranger!
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
Three girls, a blonde, a readhead and a brunette, are having lunch break together…
The brunette opens her lunchbox and sighs:"My husband is so kind, he prepares my lunch every day but… Again a tuna sandwich?" The readhead opens hers and sighs too:"Crap, tuna sandwich for me too… Again!" The blonde opens hers and goes:"Guess what? I got the same too…" The next day, they have lunch together and again they eat tuna sandwiches. And the next day again, and again and again, till when the brunette girl can't take it anymore and says: "That's it! If I have to eat a tuna sandwich one more time I swear I throw myself out of the window!" The other two agree. She opens the lunchbox, finds a tuna sandwich and jumps off to her death. The readhead opens hers, finds a tuna sandwich and throws herself off. The blonde opens hers, finds a tuna sandwich as well, and off she goes. The next day, the three husbands are at the funeral of the three girls, shocked and desperate. The brunette's husband says: "She could have told me she was sick of tuna sandwiches… How could I have expected…". The readhead's husband too goes: "I though she loved tuna…why, why couldn't she just asked for an other lunch?". The blonde's husband is shocked. In disbelief he mumbles:" I just don't understand… She prepared her own meals!"
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
I downloaded all the music to the movie Titanic.
It's syncing now.
Flat earthers have been quiet recently.
They kind of fell off.
A homophobic guy walks into a bar and immediately orders 3 double shots of whiskey.
Bartender: "Wow, that's a hefty order." Guy: "Yeah, I just got terrible news that my brother has turned gay…" Bartender gives the guy his 3 shots and leaves him alone. -Next day- The same guy enters the bar and again, orders the same drinks. Bartender: "Still not over your brother?" Guy: "No, even more bad news. I just found out that my father is now gay…" Bartender looks shocked, but then just gives the man his drinks and leaves him alone. -Next Day- Again, the same guy enters the bar and orders his 3 shots. Bartender: "More bad news I assume?" Guy: "Yep, uncle this time…" Bartender shakes his head and gives the man his drinks. -Next Day- Same guy, same drink order. This time the bartender throws up his hands in disbelief! Bartender: "DOES ANYBODY IN YOUR FAMILY LIKE WOMEN?" Guy: "Yep….My Wife"
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff
Ba-dumm-tsss
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
"I'm lucky to have lived this long despite my dangerous line of work and the frankly displeasing state of healthcare in the 16th century"
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
Why isn’t Dark spelled “Darc”
Because you can’t C in the dark
What do you call a dog that does magic?
A labracadabrador
It’s really weird playing Uno with a Mexican.
They never get any green cards.
I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices.
He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.
My wife said “You have a BA, a Masters and a PhD, but you still act like an idiot…”
It was a third degree burn
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
Once I saw a kid getting bullied by 4 kids so I decided to step in
He didn’t stand a chance against all 5 of us
Did you hear about the carpenter who drank on the job?
He got hammered
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike…
It's a vicious cycle…
If i had a dime for every time i didn’t understand what’s going on.
I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation to the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
The first Karen to get sick was..
Impatient Zero
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside the house today and gave her one last chance…
Unfortunately, she blew it…
My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.
She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?" I replied, "Certainly," and took it off. Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well. Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too. Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blonde hair. We begged him to dye it black, but he refused. After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
Professor X to JK Rowling:
Professor X: "What's your power?" JK Rowling: "I can rewrite the past of fictional characters." Gay Professor X: "Interesting."
My son is a man trapped into a woman’s body
He'll be born next month
Among all the politically incorrect jokes I know, here’s my favourite:
Benjamin Franklin was the greatest US President.
My aunts sign was cancer so her death was ironic….
Eaten alive by a giant ass crab
There are two reasons you shouldn’t drink toilet water
Number one, and number two
I was in a very busy Whole Foods and saw this beautiful young woman shopping.
I asked her, "I can't seem to find my wife, can I talk to you?" "Sure, but how can that help?" "Once she sees me talking to you, I'll bet you anything she'll appear out of fucking nowhere."
Hey Bob, do you shower after sex
Hey Bob, do you shower after sex? Well, of course I do. Great, could you please get laid more often?
A farmer buys a young cock
A farmers cock is getting old, so he decides to buy another younger one. When the new cock is put into the pen with the other chickens, the old cock says to him "I own all these hens, they all will only sleep with me, but I am old, I will give them to you if you grant my last wish before I die" The young cock is desperate to sleep with all these hens, and respects the old chickens last wish, so he agrees. "I want you to fuck me like I am one of them, I've always been curious what it's like, but there's never been another cockerel around" The young rooster is a little put off, but agrees all the same, so he mounts him and starts going when suddenly there is a loud bang, and the young rooster drops dead The farmer puts down his shotgun and says "fuck sake, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month"
Why did the bread not go to the doctor?
Because it felt butter in the morning.
