Just bought a new ‘Lesbian Bed’ from Ikea. Instructions say no nuts or screwing involved. It’s all tongue and groove.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Then she did and my day was ruined.
Quick! Someone call the bamboolance.
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean
It’s a small world.
But it's hard to say…
held a meeting with the cabinet today. He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the chest of drawers.
"Go forth! Be fruitful! Multiply!" And so, the animals did go forth from Mt. Ararat, and behold they were fruitful and did multiply as Noah had commanded. But Noah saw that two snakes had remained with the ark. "Serpents! Why has thou not done as I have commanded, and gone forth to multiply?" "Behold, we are Adders and so cannot multiply," the snakes mournfully replied. And so Noah bade his sons to hew great trees from the mountain, and from the raw trees to construct a mighty platform, 70 cubits long and 40 cubits wide and 20 cubits tall. And when the construction was finished Noah stood upon it and proclaimed to the snakes. "Adders, behold! A table of logs, with which you may multiply by adding."
I told them it was because they came out of the closet
So I put in a re-straining order.
If you get a boner in public, point up at the sky and shout "OH FUCK LOOK OVER THERE!" It's all about the missed erection
Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 0.
Why do I keep hearing about cases of it?
But now I stand corrected
So I packed my stuff up and right
I was passing by my son’s bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, ‘Dad’. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands…
"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!"
other than that, prison wasn’t too bad.
Because attachments are forbidden
But this ones on the house
His trial is expected to last forever
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
They don't wanna compete with an invisible power that actually works.
I don’t think I’ll be able to look at her in the same light ever again.
were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to appeal their sentences down to 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "As it is my first wife's birthday today, she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The German was first in line; after thinking for a bit he said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but after only 10 lashes the whip had shredded the pillow. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying in pain. The Englishman was next up. After watching the German in horror he asked, "Please tie two pillows to my back." This time it took 15 lashes, but once again the pillows were shredded, and the Englishman was led away bleeding and whimpering in pain. The Irishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from the most beautiful part of the world I have ever seen. Because of this, you may have two wishes!" "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Irishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honorable man from a beautiful island, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with admiration. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?" And the Irishman said, "Tie the Englishman to my back."
I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it too.
To get some fresh beets.
Dad to be:"Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver"
He's sat at his local, looking kind of miserable. The barman says "Hey, how ya doin'? You don't look so good …". The guy replies "Last night … Last night was the worst night of my life." "Oh really?" says the barkeep, "How bad can it be?" So the guy tells his story: "Last night, I had a drink or two, down at Sally's bar. Ya know Sally? with the big …?" "Yeah, I know Sally", says barman. "So I was down there, just having a couple … Feeling pretty good, and Sally says to me, she says 'Hey, I want to close up early. Why don't ya come back with me back to my place?'" "Wow, says the barman. That's not a bad night" "Wait for it, I haven't finished yet. We go back to her place. She's clearly feeling frisky. I try it on a bit, yankow. Ease over on the couch. She jumps at it. Rips my clothes off. Rips her clothes off. We jump on the bed and start going at it. So we're bangin' away, ooohin' and Ahhhin'." "Hey that's pretty good. Sally is a very nice girl. What a night" says barman. "Wait, I haven't finished yet. So we're goin' at it, Ooohin' and ahhhin'. You'll never guess what happens." "What happened?" says barkeep. "There's a sound of keys in the door. It's her boyfriend. She says 'Oh no, quick, he's crazy. You've got to hide'. So I look for a place, but there's nothing. I end up out on the window ledge, hanging from me fingers. It's pitch black, cold outside, the wind is whipping passed my ass and I'm freezing to death!" "Oh I see the problem", sasy barman. "Wait, I haven't finished yet. The guy walks in, sees Sally on the bed naked, jumps in straight away. And they're banging away and ooohin'n'aaaahin'. And I'm stuck outside, pitch black, hanging from me finger tips, freezing cold, wind whipping passed my ass, and i'm freezing to death." "Oh, that's bad." "Wait, I haven't finsihed yet. So suddenly, the guy stops. Says 'Sally, sorry but I got take a piss.' Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he opens the window, takes a piss out the window. So I'm hanging from me finger tips, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping passed me ears, wind whipping passed my ass, and i'm freezing to death." "Oh no … " says barman. "Wait, I haven't finished yet. The guy finishes, goes back to the bed, jumps on top of Sally, and they're bangin' away and oohin' and aaahin'. You'll never guess what happens. He stops again, says 'Sally, look, I'm feeling a little woozy. I have to throw up'. Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he opens the window, upchucks his guts out. So I'm hanging there, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping down me neck, vomit plopped on top of my head, wind whipping passed my ass, and i'm freezing to death." "Oh please no" says the barman, looking a bit uneasy. "Wait I haven't finished yet. He finishes, goes back all fresh, jumps on top of Sally, and they're bangin' away and oohin' and aaahin'. You'll never guess what happens. He stops again, says 'Sally, look, I'll be done in a second. I need to take a dump'. Instead of going to the toilet like a normal person, he sticks his ass out the window … anyway, so I'm hanging there, it's pitch black, freezing cold, piss dripping down me chest, vomit gooping round me ears, a shit plopped on top of my head, wind whipping passed my ass, and i'm freezing to death." "Oh, let it stop" says the barkeep. "Wait I haven't finished yet. The guy finishes, goes back to Sally, they're bangin' away, oohin'0n0aaaahin'. And finally they're done. they go to sleep. At that point, dawn appears, the sun comes up. It's day time. And I'm hangin' there, freezing cold, piss dripping down me legs, vomit oozing down my back, a shit sliding round me ears, wind whipping passed my ass, I'm freezing to death, and I'm six inches off the ground."
The man asks, “And how would you do that?” The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and asks, “What are you doing?” The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.” The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.” The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?” The man says, “I’m going home, too. How am I supposed to work in the dark?”