Let me get this straight…
I took the rear view mirror out of my car
i haven't looked back since
My daughter yelled at me, “DAAAAAAAD! You haven’t been listening to a word I’ve said, have you?”
What a strange way to start a conversation
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards…
Creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I saw a guy flagging down a taxi van today.
I guess you could say he was Van Halen.
I fired my tailor the other day
He told me, "Fine! Suit yourself!"
I’m pretty bad at building fences
Oops, wrong place for this post.
For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he’s been spat at, verbally abused, and punched…
God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.
I’m going to rewrite history
History
Kina want to tell the pediatrician I speak Old English just to see what happens…
https://ift.tt/2LZRzU4
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman: Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place. Man: Aww….! Are you single? Woman: No, I am a Dentist.
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to check their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
I asked this lady if I could touch her hair
She said yes, so I ran my finger across her lip and that's how the fight started.
Why are fish easy to weigh?
Because they have their own scales.
When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn’t know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now…. I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left. My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person. When I looked in the coffin, I was startled that the man who was talking to me when I was in the corner was the same man in the coffin! For several years later, I was not able to sleep properly. With repeated nightmares and psychological disorder, I was terrified of being alone. I visited many psychologists. I didn't turn off the light at night and several other turmoil that I had to endure throughout my adolescent ages…. Years later I discovered something incredible that changed my life. That dead idiot had a twin brother.
Women shoots her husband
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. "I have an interesting case here " he says "A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped". "Have you arrested her ? " asks the sergeant . "No not yet the floor is still wet"
My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?”
What a strange way to start a conversation with me…
We’ve got a Polish sound guy
Cheque one too
Does length matter? Short answer: no.
Long answer: yes.
“Mom? Don’t freak out, but I’m in the hospital…”
"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
Never going drinking with Train drivers again……
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug’
You Matter!
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then you energy…
Jared Fogles career started and ended the same way.
Trying to get in to smaller pants.
A Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar…
As they walk in the Scotsman proclaims loudly for all to hear “Drinks for the house, on me!” The next day in the newspaper the headlines reads ‘Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death”
When I ever get to be a dad, I wanna start early.
If I would get to be the dad of a son, I'd name him Jason so on the moment of his birth I can get up and shout: "Jesus Christ, it's Jason, born!"
I was wondering why music was coming from my printer…?
Apparently the paper was jamming.
Why is it good to wash your eyes with ketchup?
Because Heinzsight is 20/20
A boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework is to learn the difference between theory and reality…
The father says ‘son, that’s easy. I’ll give you an example. Go into the kitchen and ask your mother if she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’. After a short while the son comes back from the kitchen and says ‘father, I have spoken with mother and she said she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’. The father says ‘okay, now go upstairs and ask your sister if she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’. After a short while the son comes down the stairs and says ‘father, I have spoken with my sister and she said she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’. The father says ‘There you have it son, that’s the difference between theory and reality. In theory, we’re sitting on two million dollars. In reality, we’re living with a couple of sluts’.
I got a dog from the blacksmiths the other day…
As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.
My son asked if I could tell him what a solar eclipse is
I said “No sun”
I asked my Chinese friend what it’s like living in China
He says he can't complain.
My girlfriend broke up with me when she went away to college.
She said she was majoring in bye-ology.
What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination?
HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!
I met a group of highly trained Fly Killers the other day
First time I've ever seen a SWAT team.
