Let me play a song
Losing weight is a piece of cake.
Just don’t pick it up.
A cop pulled someone over
Cop: I pulled you over because you were driving on the wrong side of the road. Driver: Sorry, I'm English. Cop: (Loudly) it's the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Me: Can I have a turn in the hedge now?
Hedgehog: No
What’s the difference between Reddit and Instagram?
Reddit fills your mind with thoughts. Instagram fills your mind with thots.
Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Mess up the formatting
How do you ruin a joke?
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It’s OK though…
I know where to draw the line..
Why do people never eat clocks?
Because it’s really time consuming.
What are goosebumps for?
To slow geese down.
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. “It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.
“Just call me Hoff,” he replied. “Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”
Why don’t Native Americans like snow?
It's white and settles on their land
Did you hear about the hungry clock?
It went back four seconds
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
Kate is a pretty name, it’s the name I would want to give to one of my twin daughters.
I would name the other one "DupliKate'
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
A blind guy walks into a bar…
…and a table…and a chair…
I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”
Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus 🙁
A teacher told the students, “The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early.”
A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early." Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face. "Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted angrily. "Me!" piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. "Can I leave now?"
Why should people with heart disease avoid sleeping outdoors?
Because camping is in tents.
I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.
Always walkin around like they rent the place.
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise….
My boss asked “what companies? “ Gas, water and electricity.
What concert cost 45¢
50¢ ft. Nickelback.
(NSFL) Dog
An animal lover, a zoophile, a sadist, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a masochist are talking. Animal lover: We should get a dog! Zoophile: and fuck him Sadist: and torture him Pyromaniac: and set him one fire Necrophile: and fuck the corpse Masochist: woof
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
A Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said,"I bet you're going to try to sell me a ticket to the Pennsylvania Trooper's Ball." He replied,"Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He closed his ticket book, tipped his hat, walked back to his patrol car, and left.
Kenny Loggins Should Do A Song With Kenny Passwords.
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