Let me tell you how I became a millionaire:
First, I bought one apple for a dollar with my savings.
Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars.
With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each.
Now I had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each.
Now I had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on…
A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.
In America, dogs are K9…
In China, dogs are E10.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza
Should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature
A blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown.
She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road. "Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She picks out the cutest one. He looks at her and says "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"
Whenever I’m sad my German friend throws bread at me
A nice game of gluten tag always cheers me up.
I went to the zoo and I saw a baguette in a cage.
I asked the zookeeper about it and he said it was bread in captivity.
I got in touch with my inner self today.
That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.
Never treat a woman like an object…
It hates that.
Why doesn’t Karl Marx like Earl Grey?
Because all proper tea is theft.
Tom’s scrotum
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." (You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.) "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." (Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.) "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." (All the men sighed with unified relief.) The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife — the word is sternum."
I’m so upset! Someone stole my limbo stick!
I mean how low can you go
There were 2 fly’s on a toilet seat.
One got pissed off.
Arriving home from a shopping trip, a wife was horrified to find her husband in bed with a pretty girl.
Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out: ‘Before you go, I want you to hear how all this came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired. I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out, so I gave her a pair of your shoes that you don’t wear because they are out of fashion. She was cold, so I gave her the new birthday sweater you never wear because the colour doesn’t suit you. Her trousers had holes in them, so I gave her a pair of yours that don’t fit you any more. Then, as this poor girl was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use any more?” . . . So here we are!’
Maybe the phrase shooting fish in a barrel comes from Americans…
Because fish swim in schools.
What’s 50 Cent’s name in Zimbabwe?
400 Million dollars
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass…… I lied about the wheels.
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi
My dad was a WWII veteran.
During the Battle of Britain, in just one day, he destroyed 8 German aircrafts killing 32 Nazis. Literally the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
What’s the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
Sunday: Greg. Monday: Ian. Tuesday: Greg. Wednesday: Ian. Thursday: Greg. Friday: Ian. Saturday: Greg
So this is how the Gregorian calendar was created.
Spent a few hours on the wife’s grave today
It cheers me up and; 2. She still thinks I'm digging a pond. [Note: Not my joke, but made me chuckle]
I wanted to be a monk…
But I never got the chants.

not saying new and innovative studies are wrong, but you know which sort of people i mean
https://ift.tt/2TQ7nxa
Master yoda, are we on the right way??
Off course we are
A ship carrying blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint.
Both crews have been marooned.
TIL the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
I’m a big fan of whiteboards
I find them quite re-markable.