Let that sink in
I bought some bird seed today
I wonder what kind of birds they will grow into.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
One company owner asks another: “Tell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”
Bill replies: “Easy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.”
By previously legalizing same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:
Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."
Who Did Princess Leia’s Hair? (My daughter’s joke)
Darth Braider (I know, I know. She's a kid though. Lol)
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”
“Everything is bigger in Texas,” says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!” The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
The Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up…
They formed an alloy-ence
My boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office
I'm on season 6 so far, but not sure what its got to do with security.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I don’t get why people think pee is stored in the balls. It is a fact that pee is stored in the BLADDER.
There is a vas deferens between the two.
I only believe in 12.5% of the Bible…
That makes me an eighth theist.
Why should you avoid hunting deers with a shotgun?
Because if you encounter a deer who has a shotgun, it's best to just leave them alone.
I have a fear of overly complicated buildings
I have a complex complex complex
Why did the lawyer go to culinary school?
He wanted to be a sue chef.
I want a divorce…
I told The the judge. “All my wife does every night is go out bar after bar” “What is she doing” the judge replied “Looking for me”
I tried to come up with a good acid pun
But they're all too basic 🙁
My wife was upset with me last night for kicking ice cubes under the appliances instead of picking them up…
…but this morning it’s just water under the fridge
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour…
“Wait!" I shouted. "I can change!"
Why the fuck they give us that option if it doesn’t work?
Why the fuck they give us that option if it doesn’t work?
An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife…
He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple…all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered, "THE TEETH!"
I put a “Honk if you think I’m sexy” bumper sticker on my car.
My self confidence is skyrocketing! A TON of people think I’m sexy at this green light right now….
A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. “Do you guys have golden toilets?” he asks.
"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?" "Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet." Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"
Why dont chickens insult each other?
They dont like getting roasted
My dad’s birthday is today (12/14/45). To him and all other dads and dad-like figures out there…
….thank you for the dad jokes. They may not all make us die laughing and some we've heard you tell a million times over, but the one thing they have in common is that they're told in kindness and they put a little smile on our faces. And living in this crazy world, that's a very good thing. I love you dad.
I don’t know why i loves bad puns so much.
It’s just how eye roll i guess
A man goes to church to confess his sins….
He steps into the confessional and says "Bless me Father for I have sinned. I stole wood from the local lumber yard." The Priest responds, "Well son how much did you steal, it may not be so bad." "Well Father, with the wood I was able to build a house for my new dog in the backyard." "My son, this is not so bad. 10 Hail Marys and 5 Our Fathers and you shall be cleansed." The man interrupts, "Um Father, there was some wood left over, so I used it to build a fence around my yard." The Priest was surprised. "My child, that's a bit worse. You'll have to do 2 full rosaries." The man speaks up again. "Father, you see there was still some wood left and I used it to build an extension on my house." The Priest sighed with discomfort. "Oh dear my child. You'll need to do some real penance for that. Our church courtyard could use an update. Do you know how to build a gazebo?" The man replied, "No father, but if you have the plans, I have the wood."
What do you call a broken can opener?
Can't opener.
A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from New York City got into a fight. Who won?
The 5th grader from Alabama, because he’s 18 years old.
The US Space Force uniform camouflage vs the Netflix Space Force Series uniform camouflage
https://ift.tt/2Tyb0br
The teacher asks a boy if he remembered the chemical formula of water, which she told them yesterday.
He replied “ H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O! H to O!