Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.
The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."
My son asked me, “What was your favourite music to listen to when growing up?” I said, “Led Zeppelin”.
My son: Who? Me: Yes, they were good too.
A cowboy walks into a saloon and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
"Nope." he replies. "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
I was having anal sex with my girlfriend and suddenly her dad barged through the door and she screamed "Dad, I'm sorry!" Then he turned to me and asked, "Are you fucking Sorry?"
Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best . P.S.A – Do recycle ♻
Because they know divorce will be with them. Always.
So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yell”DAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH” so the priest walks up to the fisher and says “you can’t just swear like that you’ll make god angry” on which the fisher replies “this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam they’re
Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation. The wife understands and cooks the fish. The next day they are eating the fish and the priest asks “can someone pass me the dam fish” on which the priests son replies “that’s the spirit dad can someone pass me the fucking fries”
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.
he’s got small legs
But, Plan e just might take off
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Sure enough, right after Obama took office, swine flu.
Terrorist: "Say your last words!" Dad: "Your last words!" Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!" Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?" Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?" Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway." Terrorist: "What's a 'henway'"? Dad: "About a pound and a half." Terrorist: "Stop! I'm serious!" Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
Tell everyone about vegan fight club. Edit: Credit goes to Aba and Preach on YouTube.
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This is the most advanced and comfortable gaming desk on the planet. It even has power and usb outlets in the drawers and cabinets and the entire surface supports wireless fast charging. It uses our own patented one-of-a-kind power cable with-built in backup battery to deliver completely uninterupted charging and power. This amazing desk starts at just $199.Legs and power cable sold separately at two thousand dollars each.6 months later: Unfortunately we will be ending support for this desk.
It went up without any problems, but I was worried the whole time that it would insult me. because it was so offensive.
then you're a simpson.
The first one orders a coke. Five minutes later the second one orders a coke and the whole bar starts cheering, another five minutes later the third one orders a coke and the whole city erupts in thunderous applause.
I think I’m being stalked.
“What are you drinking?” he asks the guy. “Magic beer,” he says. “Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?” Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile. “Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof —and plummets 15 stories to the ground. The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
Gimli laughs and walks under it
All that was left was de Brie.
By shear coincidence
I was having sex with my friend’s wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me…
Cause imma need a blindfold to hit that.
I said, "That's my term, Eric."
The politically correct term is: "Jamal, get on my ship."
You can only ran, because it’s past tents
sometimes I go for a run in flip flops to remember what it sounds like.