Let us die? He’d gladly kill us all to stay in power.
Thank goodness Reddit is back up
I was almost productive for a second there!
“Officer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?”
Cop: it’s a …..moving violation.
If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.
My friend asked me, “what’s the best part about living in Switzerland?”
I said, “I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.”
My cousin is mute and likes to communicate via embroidery
I guess it's a version of sign language, sew to speak
I just made love to my girlfriend.
She asked, “If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?” I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet. “Well” I said, “If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini”.
Where does a horse go when it gets sick?
The horse-pital Just kidding it gets shot
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity.
If “womb” is pronounced “woom”, “tomb” is pronounced “toom” then shouldn’t “bomb” be pronounced
"BOOM" I hope that blew your minds
My wife asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall” to her.
I said maybe-
A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a very small head
After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head?" The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on a deserted island. After several months on this deserted island, a beautiful mermaid suddenly appeared and granted me three wishes. My first wish is that I'd like to be rescued from this island I told her" To which the Mermaid said, "tomorrow a rescue boat will find you" "My second wish is that I'd like to be rich for the rest of my days" The Mermaid said, "invest early in these companies, and you will be a wealthy man… And what is your final wish?" "Well Mermaid, you know I've been stranded on this island for so long, and seeing as you are so beautiful, I'd wish for nothing more than to sleep with you" The Mermaid sighed and said, "I cannot grant you that wish, you see I'm a half fish, it would not work" Frustrated, the man said, "Well how about a little head then?"
I can’t believe it’s been more than a hundred years since Einstein proposed his Theory of Relativity.
It feels like only yesterday.
My boyfriend asked me why I like showering in boiling hot water
I told him a snack tastes better cooked.
Hi everyone 24(F) here
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
He wanted to get a long little doggy. (credit: my sister, Lisa)
Do you know what I said to the person who was chasing me?
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Radios play music.
And that's a stereo type.
If you push the envelope…
…is it still stationary?
Why do men give their jackets to women when they are cold?
No man wants a blowjob from a woman with shaky teeth
So someone gave me a used glove and new one….
So I got one second hand and one first hand.
A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it leaves you and never comes back.
Did u know you can tell an ants gender by putting it in water?
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats……..boy ant.
I am staying at a hotel and watched a great movie last night with lots of cowboys, gunfights, and drinking.
It was the Best Western I’ve ever seen.
Who will take the second shot of this billiards game?
Find out after the break!
A doctor and a lawyer
During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.
Dad: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking sons disease I have ever seen.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.
I asked my 18 siblings and they don’t know either.
I was changing a light bulb the other day. Then I crossed the street and walked into a bar.
It was then I realized my life was a joke.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
I got fired from my job at a bank today
Some elderly lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
I hope that when Kim Kardashian goes to the beach, she doesn’t swim.
The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.
I’ll never let my children watch the orchestra
There’s way too much sax and violins