Let us die? He’d gladly kill us all to stay in power.
Did you know that dogs keep track of how many times you’ve stepped on their tails?
It's your Yelp score
I’ve been secretly injecting soap into my balls to see if I can jizz bubbles.
It's time for me to come clean.
Heard about the man who painted his scrotum?
Pretty nuts
Two men are discussing a business transaction.
Buyer: "How much does it cost to buy a singing ensemble?" Seller: "You mean a choir?" Buyer: *visibly frustrated* "Fine, how much does it cost to acquire a singing ensemble?"
Why can’t a bike stand up on it’s own?
It's too tired.
Remember to poop before midnight tonight
You don’t want to be carrying the same shit into the new decade
“Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?”
"No idea, they just ransomware."
I watched my first porn movie today…
…jeeze I was young back then.
Dad joked by my toddler….a proud day
Wife made asian food for dinner last night, Tofu/Rice/Veggies/Chicken Wontons. Toddler is killing the wontons and we teach him how to say "wonton" so he can ask for more correctly. As he's stuffing another piece into his mouth I ask him "hey bubba, do you like wontons?" To which my son replies, "No..like twotons" My son's first joke and it's a dad joke…i'm just so proud lol….
How much do dumplings weigh?
Wonton
I tried looking up synonyms of confusion.
But I came away with uncertainty and disorientation.
why did the latino man go to the therapist?
to talk about hispanic attacks.
How do you make a dead baby float?
2 scoops of ice cream 1 scoop of dead baby
Why should you never fight a dinosaur
You will get jurasskicked
What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden?
an artificial Swedener
This will probably get deleted because it’s not a clean joke, but I wanted to say thanks.
Two weeks ago a dear friend went into the hospital on bed rest with preeclampsia in hopes of keeping her baby in utero a little longer. To keep her cheered, I visited r/cleanjokes every day and sent her jokes throughout the day. She had her little preemie today … only 3 pounds but healthy. My friend told me she really looked forward to the jokes … and I found all of them here. So thank you to all of you who helped keep her cheered while she gave her precious baby more time.
I don’t want to Spoonfeed…
but I like my words to be spelt in reverse alphabetical order.
I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman were drinking at a bar
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!" The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times … "
Some guy just accused me of breaking into his car and stealing his subwoofer.
It was a bassless accusation.
I went to Legoland last week
People were lined up for blocks
I found a hearing aid outside my garden gate.
When I saw my neighbour I asked, "Excuse me sir, is this yours?" The ignorant bastard just ignored me.
How do scarecrows fix flat tires?
They use a pumpkin patch!
Man walks into a barber shop: “Can you shape my afro like a sphere?”
Sorry, we don’t do that round hair.
What do gay horses eat?
Horse dick.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind it's tearable.
“Anything these days,” I told my son.
He frowned a little. "What's that?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "Huh?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "I don't understand. Explain?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. He sighed loudly. "Are you crazy, dad?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "Dad, snap out of it. What's going on?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "Dad! Dad! Come on. Tell me what you mean?" he asked. There was a pause. "Anything these days," I continued. At this point he was enraged and yelled, "Jesus Christ, I've had enough of this nonsense. What on Earth are you doing? Have you lost your mind? Jees. You're driving me insane!" There was a silence. "This is the world we live in," I concluded. "You can't say anything these days without offending someone."
How does every racist joke start?
With a look over your shoulder
I’m having a small get together for Tom Hiddleston’s birthday
It’s a Loki event.
After my breakup I talked to my ex one last time and said: “Do you know what’s been the best thing since I left you, it’s-”
“Oh, I know. You’ve been out shagging anything that moves!” she said. “Sowing your wild oats, getting your prick into anything with a pulse. I know exactly what you’re all about!” “-it’s that I’ve actually been able to finish a fucking sentence without being interrupted.”
Child safety bad. (Image shared is pic of computer screen for extra boomer-ness)
https://ift.tt/2E4gstA