My friends claim I’m the cheapest person they ever met
I'm not buying it
Today I quit drinking for good
Now I only drink for evil
My time machine broke, so I took it to the time machine repairman.
He just walked up to it, kicked it and said “they sure don’t make them like they will do soon.”
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
What did the tailor give to the lawyer?
A lawsuit!!
My wife: I’m leaving you because of your obsession with Star Wars
Me: May divorce be with you
So I walked into a weight loss clinic once and spilled an entire box of milk duds all over the floor…
It was the best game of hungry hungry hippos that I had ever seen!
Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree hasn’t been the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
A lot of things are going to change since I got my girlfriend pregnant.
Including my name, address and phone number.
People say that being a hostage is hard, but I don’t agree.
I can do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Got the best compliment from my doctor today
He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice
Where would you find flying rabbits?
in the hare force
My wife told me to stop being a flamingo..
.. So i had to put my foot down
Why fight over subsbtance when you can instead weaponize symbolic cultural grievances?
https://ift.tt/33wJVXH
What do you call a nose with no body?
Nobody knows
Yesterday I went
to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo. After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
LPT: If you commit 90 sins, you only get caught half the time.
sin 90 = cot 45
My wife and I are planning a trip to San Francisco to finally fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in person.
She asked me, “What are you going to do when you see it?” I said, “Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.”
My wife thinks I don’t know how to say, “My” in Japanese…
…but really, watashi no?
MY SO left me because I’m too insecure
Oh wait nvm, she's back. Just went to go to the bathroom.
A doctor heard a funny noise coming from his water heater and called the plumber.
The plumber listened for a few moments, pulled out a hammer and gave it 2 light taps. “It’s fixed,” he says and hand the doctor an invoice. “$150 the doctor screams? You were here 10 minutes – that’s $900 an hour. I’m a doctor and I only make a 3rd of that.” The plumber said,” Yeah, when I was a doctor, that’s all I made too.”
What has 4 letters , sometimes has 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.
Just a hint: I didn't ask a question
A blind prostitute told me I had the biggest dick she had ever felt
I told her she was just pulling my leg.
I asked the guy in the store where is the terminator dvd …
He responded, “Aisle B, Back”
We were driving past a cemetery.
My dad said in a dead serious quiet voice "I know something you don't know about this place. The people living in this town aren't allowed to be buried here." And I was really confused, so I asked why. He said "because they are still alive."
I walked by a store with a sign that said “Television $1- volume stuck on full”
I thought to myself “I can’t turn that down!”
Knowing sign language could really come in handy.
No text found
Dr. Frankenstein asks Igor if he knows where his monster wandered off to.
Igor responds, "I'm not sure, but I have a hunch."