Let’s cut to the chase
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it’s literally just cheese with bacteria.
I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.
Why is it tough to tell jokes to kleptomaniacs?
Because they keep taking the jokes- literally.
Pun enters a room and kills 10 people.
Pun in, ten dead.
I used to be heavily addicted to soap…
Don’t worry, I’m clean now.
TRUE FACT
Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
I love dry erase boards.
They're remarkable.
My girlfriends favourite position is 6.9
Personally, I prefer it without the period.
“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
Instant karma. Saluting this Judge who threw a drunk driver’s mom in jail for laughing at victim’s family in court
https://youtu.be/zkcAPgm42-c
I called two girls hipsters and got slapped
Apparently the polite term is conjoined twins
I just found out that my cousin with a stuttering problem died in prison.
He didn’t even finish his sentence.
What happened to Napoleon when he got struck by a cannon ball?
He was blown apart.
My daughter asks me all the time “Daddy, can you put my shoes on?”
“No, I don't think they'll fit me.” Is my go to answer. Bless her she still laughs and says “silly daddy”. She’s 3 🙂
Me and my girlfriend are just too different…
I exist and she doesn't
When I was younger, I lived in a houseboat and started to date the girl next door.
Unfortunately we soon drifted apart.
Me after others asking, “How much do you believe in god?”
Me after others asking, “How much do you believe in god?”
A man decides to treat himself one day and buys a ticket to the Superbowl.
He bought the ticket the day of and got a seat in the nosebleeds. He arrived a little late to the game and as he was entering the stadium he noticed a man with an empty seat right behind his teams bench. Ever the opportunist he walks over and asks the man if the seat's taken. "It isn't actually," the man replies. "You mind if I sit there?" "It's actually supposed to be my wife's seat, we haven't missed a Superbowl in 30 years." The man then asks why she isn't with him. "Well, sadly she died quite recently." "I'm sorry to hear that." The man says. "But you couldn't find a single friend or family member to sit with you?" "Unfortunately not," the man says, "They're all at the funeral."
Life cycle of the male sex drive
Age 16-32 : Tri-weekly Ages 32-55: Try-weekly Over 55: Try-weakly
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, she got fired, too."
A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.
As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it. “I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?” “Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as long as you don’t lay a finger on my daughter. If you do, I’ll give you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man. The man agreed to the Chinese man’s conditions. However when it was time for dinner the daughter came downstairs and he saw how beautiful she was. “This old Chinese guy will never find out,” the man thought to himself. So that night the man went to the Chinese man’s daughter’s room and they had mad passionate sex. The next day the man woke up and there was a huge rock on his chest. There was a sign on it that said “Chinese torture number 1: Rock on chest.” The man laughed and though to himself “Is this really the worst Chinese torture?” He then threw the rock out the window and started to walk towards the bedroom door and then he stopped when he saw the sign on it. It said “Chinese torture number 2: Rock tied to right testicle.” The man started to panic. He decided to jump out the window with the rock because a few broken bones is better than a castration. As he fell out the window, he saw a sign in the ground. It said “Chinese torture number 3: left testicle tied to bedpost.”
4 Nuns died in a car accident…
They stand before St. Peters at the pearly gates. St Peter asks the first nun: Have you ever touched a penis? The fist nun admit it: Yes, once, but only with the tip of my finger! St Peter then tell the nun: Ok, put your finger in that holy water, then I'll let you pass. He then asks the second: Have you ever touched a penis? The second one also adit: Yes, I masturbated a man once. St Peter seemed slightly disgusted, but then tells her to put her entire hand in the holy water before he allows her to pass. Sudenlly, the 4th nun goes crazy and yell: Please! Ask me that question before the nun in front of me!!!!! St Peter, confused, asks why. The 4th Nun replies: I really want to wash my mouth before she puts her ass in the holy water.
I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican
I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle- not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said “What’s up…can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?” He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.
Can a Ninja throw Stars?
Shur-he-kan
9/11 jokes are not funny
But the other 2 are
Anti-joke warning
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
So President Trump wants to abolish the two term limit on the Presidency.
Welcome back President Obama we missed you.
I hope Elon Musk never gets caught up in a scandal.
Elongate would really stretch on.
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy – "I have a baseball." Man – "That's nice." Boy – "Want to buy it?" Man – "No, thanks." Boy – "My dad's outside." Man – "OK, how much?" Boy – "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy – "Dark in here." Man – "Yes, it is." Boy – "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy – "$750" Man – "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy – "$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
Little Johnny
One day in a school room: The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.” Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see The Grand Canyon and I was fascinated.” The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.” Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher, being a little hesitant on account of she had been burned by Little Johnny before, finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him. Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!” The teacher sat down and cried.
“Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!”, says a white man to a Chinese national.
"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national. "But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!" "No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"
A man and a woman are standing in an elevator. The woman suddenly asks “Is having a penis nice?”
The man laughed and said “Eh, it has its ups and downs.”
Yesterday I went
to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo. After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
When i was younger i had a invisible Japanese friend…
as i grew up i just realised it was just my imagine-asian
I finally understood Einstein’s theory of relativity.
It was about time.
What do you say to a Jedi who stole your sicilian dessert?
"You owe me one cannoli."