Let’s make a change in November
I don’t just play soccer cause I like the sport.
I’m just in it for kicks.
I asked, “Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
He replied, “No sun.”
“You’re addicted!”
"No, I'm not. And stop calling me Ted!"
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
Two blind pilots enter a plane.
They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence. The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke. In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says : "You know what? One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die."
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
What did one plate say to the other?
Lunch is on me
What do you call a spinning potato?
A ro-tator!
Do you want to know where I store all my dad jokes?
A dad-a-base
Just found two lumps on my car battery
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
How do you say ‘what’s up dawg ‘ in Japanese
Konichihuahua
Hillary’s emails
[deleted]
Where did Captain Hook purchase his hook?
At a second hand store.
My co-workers were talking about getting their beach bods ready
I popped over the cube, oreo in hand "I'm working on my beach ball bod"
I was diagnosed as colour blind today.
It really came out of the purple.
Reddit’s freedom of speech
[removed]
What do you call a dog that does magic?
A labracadabrador
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden.
To my horror, I saw her kill a butterfly. To teach her a lesson, I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month." Today in the kitchen, she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller
I feel awful because I scolded my son after he gave me my 50th birthday card
But part of me feels justified because one would have been enough
My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Have you ever heard of virtual bubble wrap?
pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop
Why do flamingos stand with one leg up?
If both were up, they'd fall down.
A man walks into a bar with a big smile on his face
The bartender says “why are you so happy?” The man replies “well, after work I was walking home and saw this woman tied to a train track. It was just like something out of a movie! So I untied her and took her home. And then we had the best sex of my life, all over the house in every position you could imagine! It was unbelievable!” The bartender is impressed “sounds great! Was she hot?” “Not sure”, said the man, “I never found the head.”
British Person: “I’m bri ish”
“I guess you drank the t”
What kind of organization does an atheist start?
A non-prophet one
Me after others asking, “How much do you believe in god?”
Me after others asking, “How much do you believe in god?”
Xbox was struggling…
but they really turned it around with the 360.
My mother once told me I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the ‘Knock Knock’ joke ?
He won the "No-Bell Prize"
My Dad really messed up his wrists dragging his car from England to France.
He got car-pull-tunnel syndrome.
One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies
He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Donald thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Barack Obama and a large pool of water. Barack kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Donald said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and it would ruin my hair. I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Donald. The devil opened a third door. Through it, Donald saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Donald looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said… "Okay, Monica, you're free to go."
What did Hitler say when he was blindfolded
I can Nazi
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects ‘fuck’ to ‘duck’
You’re still using fowl language.
What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don't know and I don't care.
What’s the fun thing about communist jokes?
Everyone get them