Let’s make a change in November
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today
Should have cooked it at aloha temperature
I just finished designing a website for an orphanage
There isn't a home page
I was in a long McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness. When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over. Don't honk your horn at old people.
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, "No, wait! I can change."
My wife said I had a terrible sense of direction…
So I packed my bags and right
Yo mama so ugly…
she walked into a haunted house and came out with a job application!
To be frank, I’d have to change my name.
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I have some news for you guys. My Monster is Gay.
He just came out of the closet.
I named my dog insane.
So when people ask me ‘are you fucking insane?’ I’ll say no, I’m fucking my sister.
3 Cowboys NSFW
Three cowboys sat around a campfire, all exchanging tall tales about how tough they all were. The first cowboy says “I’m the toughest of the bunch. I was out in the tall grass, looking for a good spot to take a piss. All the sudden this snake appears. And you can see in its eyes, it’s out for blood. I look him in the eye and I know that it’s me or him. When he lunged, I grabbed him with my bare hands and strangled him to death. And you see these snakeskin boots? I took them as a trophy from my kill.” The second cowboy responds: “That’s nothing. One day I was riding around on my horse, than out of nowhere comes out a big, mean bear. The son of a bitch knocks me off my horse, and proceeds to kill my noble steed. I reach for my gun, but he charges and knocks it out of my hand. He’s got me pinned, snarling at me just waiting to kill, when I manage to break free, get my knife from my boot, and I stab him in the throat. And you see this bearskin cloak? I skinned him myself and keep this as a reminder.” The two cowboys look to the third, and one of them says “well what about you? You think you’re tougher than us?” The third cowboy says nothing, and just continues to sit there, stirring the fire with his dick.
learning to walk in high heels really kept me on my toes
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Urgent Ticket! Feature not working! Client is not happy, put a developer on this right now!
https://ift.tt/2sm0b0N
Big shoutout to my great grandmother!
She can't hear me otherwise.
Why don’t people get up early in Athens?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece. 😆
A man is driving home from work when his wife calls him on his cell phone.
“Phil!” She shouts in panic, “Please be careful! I just heard that some lunatic is driving the wrong way on the highway.” “You won’t believe it, Doris,” he replies. “It’s not just one car; it’s hundreds of them!”
At the end of a soccer game in Japan, the players are starting performing martial arts…
Its what they call Ninjary time.
What’s the difference between Xi Jinping and Winnie the Pooh?
Not a joke, I am genuinely curious.
Why is Kim Jong-Un so chubby?
Because he never had to run for his office
At first, I thought my haircut was too short.
But then it grew on me.
I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…
The servers are currently down…
For me, sex is like a game
Single player
Do you want to know why I love this floor?
It's always been so supportive.
Don’t read Part A backwards.
It’s a trap!
To be frank.
I’d have to legally change my name.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex…
But my girlfriend keeps insisting it says dyslexia
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
I’m beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn’t actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
I hate it when people call their girlfriend their “partner in crime”
We get it man she’s underage