Let’s talk about fairness, Mitch.
What do you call a fish stuck in a tree?
A fish stick! My 4 year olds first joke.
An adorable old woman visits the doctor.
“Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least ten times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because it doesn’t smell and is silent.” The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.” The next week the lady returns. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly.” “Good,” the doctor says. “Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Peach gobbler.
I don’t have a “dad bod”…
I have a father figure.
A man recently immigrated to a new land were he doesn’t speak the language. His fellow workers take him to lunch everyday. One of them teaches him to order Apple Pie and Coffee for himself. For weeks, this is all he orders.
Morning, Apple Pie and Coffee. Noon, Apple Pie and Coffee. Night, Apple Pie and Coffee. Getting tired of this same meal, he asks his coworkers to teach him a new dish to order. He learns Steak and Eggs. Waitress: Hiya hon’, Apple Pie and Coffee as usual? Man (smiling proudly): Steak and Eggs! Waitress: Oh! Changing it up to day! How would you like your eggs? Scrambled, sunny side up, poached, fried? How would you like your steak? Rare, medium rare, medium, medium well, well? . . . . . . Man: … Apple Pie and Coffee.
I keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia.
Which is the one about being in a closet?
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack….
She hasn't realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Have you heard of the cheese factory that burned down?
Debris was everywhere.
A husband and his wife were sitting at a table at her 20th high school reunion
She kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink, as he sat alone at a nearby table. The husband asks: “do you know him?” “Yes”, she sighed. “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and i hear he hasn’t been sober since.” “My god!”, says her husband. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
What do liquid Draino and a Dutch stripper have in common?
They both slowly remove clogs.
I’m starting a group for people who cannot climax.
Let me know if you cant come.
A local barber in my area was arrested for selling drugs.
It blew my mind—I've been his customer for years and I had no idea he was a barber.
I have sex daily
I mean I have daily sex I mean I have dyslexia
I went to a premature ejaculator’s support group today.
Turns out I came early.
I asked my Scottish friend how many sexual partners he’s had.
He started counting but soon fell asleep.
What do you call a small mother?
A minimum.
My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games
What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4
What do you call a mummy with a cold?
I don’t know, Sir Cough I guess
Every naked person I see turns me on
Said the shower head.
My girlfriend is cheating on me with a doctor.
Yesterday, I found out my girlfriend is cheating on me with the primary doctor at her hospital. So from now on, I’ll be giving her an apple for lunch everyday. That oughta do the trick.
I love to set things on fire. So does my wife. So does our kid.
The first time he set a building on fire, I turned to my wife and said, "yep, that's arson."
To the person who stole my glasses
I can still drink from the bottle
Her: You got a vasectomy without telling anyone! Are you kidding me?
Me: Technically I can’t.
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
Damn you, autocorrect
Damn you to he’ll
A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door
A boy, about 9, opened the door. “Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy “No, they went in to town.” The boy replied “Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked “No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said The farmer stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says “I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.” “Well,” The farmer said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.” The boy thought for a moment then said “You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels.
She didn’t know I existed.
Ever wondered what to say to your sister when she’s crying ?
“Are you having a crisis ?”
I take Viagra for my sun burn…
It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs when I sleep. Obligatory: Thank you for the silver and gold, kind strangers! My first awards ever.
Sorry sir, we don’t serve time travelers here
A time traveler walks into a bar