Level 9000
Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I’m not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I’m the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.
Interviewer: how's that possible? Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.
A police officer pulls over an elderly couple
He walks up to the driver's side window and asks the husband for his license and registration. The wife, hard of hearing, asks "what?! What did he say to you?" The husband replies "he wants my license!" The officer asks him if he knew how fast he was going. The wife yells "what?! What did he say to you?" The husband yells back "he says I was speeding!" As the officer looks at the license he notices they're from Ohio "you know, I used to live in Ohio. Worst place ever. I was seeing this woman there, and it was just miserable. She would never shut up, couldn't cook worth shit, constantly belittled me, and the sex was just awful." The old lady once again yells "what?! What did he say to you?" The husband yells back "he said you two used to date!"
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
What part of the body dies last?
The pupils, they dilate
A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia ." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in West Virginia, but you're not in the mines anymore, son." The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically),"So, how much was your one sale for?" The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65". The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition." The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend is fucked, perhaps you should go fishing".
Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?
Because then they'd be bagels.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Take off the ring and say goodbye to your house.
“Son, I found a pack of condoms in your room.”
"Thanks Grandpa!" "Why did you call me Grandpa?" "Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
What do you say when you see a bad post on this subreddit?
What the Fork is this Bullshirt?
Did you hear about the Erectile Dysfunction Anonymous meeting?
It's alright, nobody came.
What do you call a psychic midget who escaped from jail?
A small medium at large
Did you know the flag of Japan is actually a pie chart?
Of how much of Japan is Japan.
READ BEFORE POSTING: Memeless Monday is now in effect!
(more like memeless quarter-of-sunday-and-monday today, starting a little earlier for administrative reasons).Memeless Mondays are now in effect, a system we’ve created that will hopefully improve content quality on the subreddit (at least for some part of the week).For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it isn’t on knowyourmeme and isn’t a quick edit of a template on kym, you’re probably fine.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.Memeless Mondays end at 12AM EDT on Tuesday. If you have any concerns or changes you feel would improve this system, please send them via modmail. Thanks!Questions can go in this thread today, in the future please send them through modmail.
The first rule of flight club…
is to take flying lessons. Also know how to read carefully.
How many cooks does it take to stuff a turkey?
Only one, but you really have to squeeze them in…
If Jesus was real they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion…
They would call it crucifact.
How warm is a baby just before their birth?
Womb temperature
I love playing catch with my kids.
But after I dropped one we have to use a ball now.
Given the Cheeto Banditoās track record with dictators, this should be a no brainer
https://ift.tt/2Xcz6dp
The creator of winrar is arrested
His trial is expected to last forever
My dad died last year when my family couldnāt remember his blood type for the blood transfusion
As he was dying he kept insisting ābe positiveābut itās hard without him.
The vagina has more than 8000 nerve endings
But itās still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.
Why don’t Ant Eaters get sick?
Because they're full of anty bodies.
I made a graph showing my past relationships
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis
They say sex sells…
Probably because you canāt spell advertisements without semen between the tits.
What is it called when an amputee does karate?
Partial arts
Stephen King has a son named Joe
Iām not joking, but he is.