Level of programming
What did the hat say to the scarf?
You hang around here, I’ll go on ahead.
9/11 jokes aren’t funny
The other 2/11 are quite good though!
I had sex with a blind girl yesterday
She said, “You have the biggest penis I’ve ever put my hands on.” I said, “Nah. Your just pulling my leg.”
Yesterday, I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person…
Today, I lost my job as a bus driver.
“Dad Are We Pyromaniacs?”
"Yes we arson…"
How do you know if an ant is a male or a female?
They're all females, otherwise they'd be uncles
The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!" The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One…"
The Queen of England
The Queen of England was visiting one of London's top hospitals recently, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???" The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your majesty, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen. On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blowjob. "Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?" The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
I had a car crash the other day.
I had a car crash the other day. A dwarf got out of the other car and said, “I'm not happy”. To which I replied, “Which one are you then?”
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
Why did the grizzly get an F on his project?
Because he did the bear minimum.
Gay couples shouldn’t be allowed to raise children
It's child abuse to expose them to twice the amount of dad jokes
What is the happiest number?
4. Euphoria.
My half-brother is 6’5
Jeez, imagine if he were a full brother
I thought my son was straight.
But then he got bi with a little help from his friends.
A human asks a mermaid why she wears seashells
Mermaid: I grew out of my B-shells
A man and his wife are sound asleep in bed when the phone rings. The man picks up, listens for a second and says, “How the fuck would I know, you idiot? I’m not a weatherman,” before slamming down the receiver.
“Who was that?” asks his wife. “Wrong number. It was some bastard asking if the coast was clear.”
You know what really makes my day?
The rotation of the earth
Sometimes I like to tuck my knees to my chest, and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.
I entered 10 puns in a contest hoping one would win.
No pun in ten did.
What’s the best Christmas present you could possibly get?
A broken drum… you can’t beat it
I like to call my weed “the Quran”
Because burning it will get you stoned.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
Went on a date to an ice skating rink.
So I fell over and grabbed my knee pretending that I was in pain, trying to get the sympathy of my date. Instead she just stood there, cringing. As did everyone else in the reception area…
Japanese foods have such weird names.
They always claim to be yaki but are actually pretty yummy.
I was getting drafted to fight in WW3
But I didn't have to go because Iran
Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.
Man: Hello! Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club? Man: Yes. Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it? Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much. Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one that I really liked. Man: How much? Woman: $90,000 Man: OK, but for that price I want it with all options. Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Jane and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on market. They are asking $980,000 for it. Man: Well, then go ahead and offer $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go to the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman: OK. See you later! I love you too much! Man: Bye, I love you too. The man hung up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turned and asked: Anyone knows whose phone is this?
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches?
Because then it would be a foot.
What do Elon Musk and the Nazis have in common?
They both give children serial numbers.
When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist
That kid didn't help at all.
A Brexit walks into a bar.
The barman says "Why the long farce?"