Lewd Boomer’s Humor NSFW
Dad: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking sons disease I have ever seen.
Know why the shoe was drunk?
Too much socky.
A Guy sat next to me on the train and pulled a out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, "If you think she is beautiful, you should see my missus mate. He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's an optician!"
I had the best Dad moment last night… *actual conversation with my 8 year old*
Son: Dad… how many kidneys do I have? Me: Two. You have two, son. Son: Nope… I have four. point to belly Two kidneys here… points to legs …and two kid knees here! The student has become the teacher.
“Gosh darn I hate those ungrateful and improper Billie Eilish-loving VSCO girls”
https://ift.tt/2NlQlCF
So a group of nuns is golfing near some men
A man swings his club and fails to hit the ball. Man: God damnit, I missed. A nun shakes her head in disapproval. The man swings again and misses yet again Man: Damnit, I missed again! Nun: Sir, if you keep on swearing like that, you're gonna go to hell. The man then laughs and dismisses the nun's comment. He makes one more attempt at hitting the ball, but to no avail. Man: God fucking damnit! The sky then goes dark, a lightning bolt strikes the nun, and you can hear a thundery voice say, "God damnit, I missed."
Baby Yoda’s first word
Probably came after his second word.
If you boil your funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock
That's humerus.
Rewatching the first season of Survivor, and I felt this.
Rewatching the first season of Survivor, and I felt this.
This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “This is my lucky day!
Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table! Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."
Whoever stole my Microsoft office account ID, I will find you.
You have my Word.
My son just threw a milk carton at me
How dairy
Alabama has decided to force women to carry babies conceived by rape and incest, to term.
Because if they didn't, the state's population would die out pretty quickly.
It’s only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation
We were walking past a lingerie store, and my wife said, “I want to try on the bra in the front window.”
I said, “I think you might have to use the dressing room like everyone else.”
My nephew told me when he grows up, he wants to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer.
I need to tell my bro to do a better job at hiding his porn.
What do you call someone who does a BA in Arts, a MA in English and a PhD in Gender Studies?
A well educated Barista
Why do atheists struggle with exponents?
They don’t believe in a higher power.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna One, Anna Two
Why are kleptomaniacs the best baseball players?
They steal all of the bases.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
They told me I’d never be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're lovely.
Did my girlfriend find me sexually unsatisfying?
A small part of me says yes.
How can you tell an ant’s gender?
Simple, put it in water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.
Why was the cheese deformed?
Because it was inbred.
I was wondering why Music was coming from my printer..
Apparently the paper was Jamming.
What do you call a can opener that’s broken?
A can't opener
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.
I told him, 'My door is always open!'
What does every racist joke start with?
A look over the shoulder.
My wife sent me an article that says men’s beards have more germs than dogs.
I said of course. There are no dogs in my beard. https://imgur.com/B7mUpUc
My grandfather keeps telling us that when he dies, we should try to convert his ashes into a diamond.
That’s a lot of pressure.
Harry Potter went to his local gym. How did he get to the dumbbell room?
He went through the dumbbell door.
So I hear they are going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains…..
….maybe ours will now run on Thyme.
I just bought this cool pen that writes underwater!
it writes other words too but that's my favorite
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.
A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."