library goals
Australians don’t have sex
They m8
This one time, all the rooms in a hotel were booked. But then comes this one guy, who asks for a room, in the same hotel, and gets one easily.
Because his name was Improvement. And there's always room for improvement.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
A hippo is very heavy and a Zippo is a little lighter.
Bringing chewing gum to school is like bringing guns to school:
everyone starts acting like you've been best friends since 1st grade once they see what you have.
Peter Parker didn’t always want to be a super hero
He originally had dreams of being a web designer
I didn’t always want a brain transplant,
but then I changed my mind.
A farmer’s wife is making breakfast for her husband…
As she's serving his breakfast, he grabs her breast and tells her "if these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows". Visibly upset, she continues cooking. A moment later he grabs his wife's crotch and tells her "if this could lay eggs, we could get rid of the chickens". As the wife sits down to eat, she grabs the farmer's crotch and tells him "if this could get hard, we could get rid of your brother".
I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to a lawyer, and asked him whether I can sue the airline.
He said, “You don’t have much of a case.”
Why did Waldo wear stripes?
Cause he didn't want to be spotted!
If you are planning on stealing another election, it’s best to hire criminals
https://ift.tt/2Y8Ff9B
A man tells his friend, “I know a guy who has a small dick and sounds like an owl.”
His friend asks, "Who?"
Why did the Mexican take some Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
What do you call a crowd-sourced internet database for turntables?
Wiki-Wiki-Wikipedia
I’d be a terrible NASCAR driver
because I'm always right.
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to change a light bulb?
To get to the other side!
I spent $80 on a belt that didn’t fit
My wife said it was a huge waist
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.98, deer nuts are under a buck.
Has anyone checked on Oklahoma recently?
I want to make sure they're still OK
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After a particularly nasty one, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this, so the following day, he walked in and said, “Class, did you hear about the shortage of whores in India?” all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies!” cried the professor. “The boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”
My friend couldn’t afford his water bill.
So I sent him a "get well soon" card.
Five years ago, I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me.
She said no both times
TRUE FACT
Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.
How do you tell the difference between a chemist and an electrician?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized"
They told me I’d never be good at poetry cause I’m dyslexic.
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.
A little known fact…
Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.
My wife of 10 years left me because I didn’t do enough chores
It was devastating. I didn't do much to deserve it
3 Beers
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of beer. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." “It hasn't affected my brothers though."
A farmer friend of mine
used his stimulus check to buy baby chickens. He got his money for nothing and his chicks for free.
My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex.
They’re his watch dogs!
I told my kids that due to the quarantine…
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
I don’t mind breakfast in bed
…but I prefer it in a bowl.
I called the doctor, “My Wife is going into labor! What should I do?”
“Is this her first child?” He asks. “No this is her Husband.”
There’s this really out of touch old janitor that works at my office building.
At least he’s an ok broomer.
If you boil a funny bone…
It becomes a laughing stock. You better upvote this because… It’s Humerus.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl urinate?
Because they have been extinct for millions of years.
I identify as an elongated fish.
People say I'm mentally eel.
The other day my best friend met his fate after accidentally falling into a printing press at work.
You probably read about him, he was in all the papers.