Lick the boot!
Who needs a logger when you can just print 🤪
My girlfriend refuses to use the sauna alone.
BUT that’s none of my business, right? Ironic
Just another corpse looting in game.
Your tax dollars in action
Dork Side of the Moon
Entitled Straw Users
Sumida Aquarium eels are forgetting what humans look like and hiding from workers
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
If you boil a funny bone…
It becomes a laughing stock. You better upvote this because… It’s Humerus.
Of course I found it on Facebook.
A pandemic is the perfect time to cut healthcare!
One day, Albert Einstein had to speak at an important science conference.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!" The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place." "That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!" So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says : "Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns
Salary you little buffoon
Heaven and Hell
What are pointers?
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside the house today and gave her one last chance…
Unfortunately, she blew it…
FORTRAN, SASL, MATLAB, Julia, Mathematica, Smalltalk, Lua , Erlang, APL
The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 160 days, proving the country does not belong to China.
Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.
How many people can ride in an ambulance?
Just a paramedics
For context the bottom one was titled “a few minutes into no screen Sunday”
It’s not like I can handle that one very efficiently either
I edited my pig’s genes to make it taste better
you might even say the bacon is CRISPR
My pupper people need me!
A true UFO 🛸
How come the Hulk doesn’t lose his pants when he transforms?
The scientific experiments altered his jeans
Today student only shoot teacher 2018 bad.
My mom had plumbers stop at the house to fix the drain. They made so much noise!
She told em to pipe down.
She said “choke me daddy!”
So I gave her two Popeye's biscuits and no drink.
I’m just gonna leave this here
Yes, do that.
Does someone recognize the icons in this video and understand what the hell is going on?
I would love to study “reproductive” biology in a hands on sense.
Penis broke because wife bad
Isaac Newton: *slaps roof of car*
Car roof: slaps Isaac Newton
Life as an open source maintainer.
How does the moon cut its hair?
What is the motto of people who harvest organs?
Be Careful Standing On One Leg At The ATM!!!!
Worst way to check your balance. crickets
Which President is the least guilty?
Lincoln. He’s in a cent
What did helium say to the balloon?
Not so new cologne
I made a chicken salad today.
Stupid bird wasn’t even grateful.
My daughter had asked me what a Steakhouse was ..
My response was "Of course, it's a house made of steaks. Except the floor of course. That's made of ground beef." Heard the wife's eyes roll from across the room.
The Great American Debate
My friend fell in an Egyptian river last week, but swears he didn’t.
He was in De Nile
Gay couples shouldn’t be allowed to raise children
It's child abuse to expose them to twice the amount of dad jokes
My dearest wish …
Reading a book ..will it make you cry?
This is my life now, too.
Jokes and sex are almost the same
I don't get it
Nice one Schrödinger
The devil visits a politician and makes him an offer.
"I can arrange some things for you," the devil says. "I'll get you billions of dollars, unlimited political influence, and anything else you can dream of. All I ask for in return is death, disease and poverty for millions of people around the world." The politician thinks for a moment and says, “What's the catch?"
Electoral College Compromise
Instagram promotion pictures are causing an overflow.
Mother knows best
They should have a follow-up to the G7 summit a week later.
They could call it the the C Major summit. Maybe that would resolve everything.
It was a 30 minute drive actually
Frem Red Coat to Red Hat
I’ll keep my cookies, tyvm
Me running my code again without changing anything expecting it to suddenly compile
Why didn’t Joe Exotic ever release any Christmas songs?
Because he fucking hates Carols.
The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy…
So I moved the modem to the barn. Now I have stable Wi-Fi!