Lick the boot!
My girlfriend refuses to use the sauna alone.
Self-steam issues.
Sumida Aquarium eels are forgetting what humans look like and hiding from workers
https://ift.tt/2VXoHBe
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
If you boil a funny bone…
It becomes a laughing stock. You better upvote this because… It’s Humerus.
One day, Albert Einstein had to speak at an important science conference.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!" The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place." "That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!" So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says : "Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside the house today and gave her one last chance…
Unfortunately, she blew it…
The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 160 days, proving the country does not belong to China.
Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.
How many people can ride in an ambulance?
Just a paramedics
I edited my pig’s genes to make it taste better
you might even say the bacon is CRISPR
How come the Hulk doesn’t lose his pants when he transforms?
The scientific experiments altered his jeans
My mom had plumbers stop at the house to fix the drain. They made so much noise!
She told em to pipe down.
She said “choke me daddy!”
So I gave her two Popeye's biscuits and no drink.
Does someone recognize the icons in this video and understand what the hell is going on?
https://ift.tt/2XA3Raj
Isaac Newton: *slaps roof of car*
Car roof: slaps Isaac Newton
How does the moon cut its hair?
Eclipse it.
What is the motto of people who harvest organs?
We de-liver
Be Careful Standing On One Leg At The ATM!!!!
Worst way to check your balance. crickets
Which President is the least guilty?
Lincoln. He’s in a cent
What did helium say to the balloon?
Lighten up
I made a chicken salad today.
Stupid bird wasn’t even grateful.
My daughter had asked me what a Steakhouse was ..
My response was "Of course, it's a house made of steaks. Except the floor of course. That's made of ground beef." Heard the wife's eyes roll from across the room.
My friend fell in an Egyptian river last week, but swears he didn’t.
He was in De Nile
Gay couples shouldn’t be allowed to raise children
It's child abuse to expose them to twice the amount of dad jokes
Jokes and sex are almost the same
I don't get it
The devil visits a politician and makes him an offer.
"I can arrange some things for you," the devil says. "I'll get you billions of dollars, unlimited political influence, and anything else you can dream of. All I ask for in return is death, disease and poverty for millions of people around the world." The politician thinks for a moment and says, “What's the catch?"
They should have a follow-up to the G7 summit a week later.
They could call it the the C Major summit. Maybe that would resolve everything.
Me running my code again without changing anything expecting it to suddenly compile
https://ift.tt/3bpzR73
Why didn’t Joe Exotic ever release any Christmas songs?
Because he fucking hates Carols.
The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy…
So I moved the modem to the barn. Now I have stable Wi-Fi!