Life before the computer
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
It used to be that when people would tell me to go to Hell, I’d say “I don’t believe in Hell.”
But then I got married.
What do you call it when a redneck dies and is reborn?
Reintarnation
Nail salons closed, Lash salons closed, Hair salons closed, Tanning salons closed, waxing salons closed…
It's about to get ugly out there. Stay safe.
Son: What’s upstairs?
Dad: Stairs don't talk
I can cut wood just by staring at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
Saving a Christian
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!” He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?” He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me, too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.
Nurse: “My phone just died.”
Doctor: “Let’s call it.”
Why did Jeffrey Epstein’s English teacher fail him?
Because he never finished his sentences…
What’s the difference between swine flu and bird flu?
Swine Flu requires oinkment and Bird Flu requires Tweetment
Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly. After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it: "Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please." His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep. After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went. The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn. The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared. The receptionist responds: "Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."
My wife said to me that if I got her another stupid gift this Christmas, she would burn it…
So I bought her a candle…
If a blind girl says you have a big penis.
She’s probably just pulling your leg.
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers…
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
What’s a decent Asian stereotype?
I like Sony and Yamaha.
Why do mountains never get cold?
Because they have snow-caps!
I’m so happy I don’t drive
Especially with all this car owner virus going around
Nothing tops a plain pizza.
No text found
Why did the blind girl fall into the well?
She couldn’t see that well
If it helps others or those less fortunate, then he will always ignore the problem
https://ift.tt/39jutk7
I asked 10 people what LGBT stands for
But I never got a straight answer
Whats the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabi dooo!
Spent over an hour at the wife’s grave this morning.
Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.
As I expected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I have been saying “mucho” more often while talking to my hispanic friends
It means a lot to them
My girlfriend asked me when I last had sex with someone that wasn’t her…
“Back in 02” I said, Sounds much better than February.
I can’t tell if I like my new blender
It keeps giving me mixed results.
I got a job at a construction site to drill holes
Its a boring job
bert: “do you want some ice cream?”
ernie: "sherbert"
What’s the most important rule when making porno music?
Never use A-minor.
A man experiencing severe headaches goes to the doctor
He says."Doc, you've gotta help me. I've been getting these same headaches everyday and I don't know what to do". The doctor says "I experienced those same headaches too. Here's what I did: I went home and gave my wife oral sex. She would squeeze my head with her legs and this relieved the tension. Try it". Two weeks go by, and the doctor calls him up, asking how he feels. He says "Doc, you're a genius! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment. I feel like a new man! Oh, and by the way, you have a lovely home".
My grandpa’s “triple pun”
This joke holds a special place in my heart. My grandpa told me it and I never forgot it. About 2 years later when I brought it up to him, he didn't remember it. So I told him the joke and he peed himself laughing … At his own joke. "Why did the man ask for his eggs Benedict to be served on a hubcap?" "Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise"
I’m a big fan of whiteboards.
I find them quite re-markable.
[NSFW] A fat guy decides to lose some weight
He heard that a company is running a special weight-loss program. Curious, he decided to sign up for a session. He is taken to a basketball court. Standing in the middle of the court is a naked woman with a sign around her neck. "If you catch me, you can fuck me in the ass." The fat guy starts to chase the woman around the court. Unfortunately for him, the woman is too athletic and he cannot catch up to her. After an exhausting hour, he finally gives up. He heads home and discovers that he has lost 5 pounds. The next day, the fat guy decides to try again. This time, instead of one woman in the basketball court, it is 2 naked women. They both have to same sign around their necks. "if you catch us, you can fuck us in the ass." The fat guy again chases them around for 1 hour without success. At least he has lost another 5 pounds of weight. Seeing how effective the sessions are, the fat guy decides to book a premium session. The next day, he is taken to the basketball court again. This time, there are no women. Instead, there are 10 naked men with signs around their necks. "If we catch you, we get to fuck you in the ass."
I couldn’t think of a basic joke.
Then I had an OH moment.
Did you know that today is the only day that tells you what to do?
March fourth! (I told this to my coworkers and none of them appreciated my sense of humor)
What do Alexander the great and Winnie the pooh have in common?
Same middle name
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don’t know what he laced them with but I was trippin’ all day