Life cycle of the male sex drive
Age 16-32 : Tri-weekly
Ages 32-55: Try-weekly
Over 55: Try-weakly
What do you get when you cross a cow with an octopus?
A visit from the ethics committee and an immediate withdrawl of your funding.
[NSFW]An old dark joke
A kid returns home after playing baseball only to find his sister having sex with someone. He doesnt make a sound and hides in the closet. When their parents come home the man rushes and hides in the same closet. The kid whispers, "Its dark in here, right?" The man replies, "Yes, what do you want?" "I have this awesome baseball gloves. Do you wanna buy it for $100?" "No, its expensive" "If you dont buy it, I am gonna tell my dad" "Alright fine" The kid forces the man to buy it and as promised he doesnt make a fuss. A week later, the same thing happens again. He returns home, see his sister having sex with the same guy and again hides in the closet. Once again, when the parents return home, the man hides in the closet. The kid starts, "Its dark in here, right?" The man again replies, "Yes, what do you want this time?" "I have this amazing baseball bat. Wanna buy it for $200?" "No go away" "If you dont buy it, I'll tell my dad" "Okay, fine" The kid forces the man to buy his bat as well. With his earned $300, he goes to a shop and buys a good console and starts playing it in his home. When his dad asks how he got this, he replies that he sold his bat and gloves to a stranger and used that money to buy it. Being concerned, the dad takes the kid to the church and asks the Priest to make him understand. The Priest brings the kid to the prayer room. The kid laughs, "Its dark in here, right?" The man replies, "You start that again and I'll beat the shit out of you"
A woman in the shower hears the doorbell. “It’s the blind man”. So she answers the door naked…
"Nice bewbs! Now where do you want me to hang the blind?"
I got pulled over by the police yesterday
I was a bit nervous and a little flustered, so the policeman thought I was under the influence. He gave me a breath test, which I passed, but he was still not convinced. He then called in the sniffer dog, and when it arrived it promptly had a good sniff inside my vehicle. "Look here son", the policeman said to me, sternly. "This dog is telling me you have drugs on you" I looked at him, dead in the eye and said "mate, you're the one with the talking dog"
There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."
You know what a German doctor shouts after a circumcision?
Off wienerskin!
Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
They're both cauldron.
Daughter: “That armored truck looks like an ambulance.”
Me: "That's because it transports money going through withdrawals." She hated that one so much I nearly wept with joy.
A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.
When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
How much do dead batteries cost?
Nothing, theyâre free of charge.
Genie: You have three wishes. Me: Nice! I wish for pie.
Genie: Fine. You can have 3.14 wishes.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
No text found
Breaking News: Vandals broke into the Origami Museum last night
Will keep you posted as the story unfolds.
How does Bigfoot know what time it is?
He looks at his sasquatch.
The Sunday funny paper is a gold mine for boomer humor. Also, what is it with the big noses?
https://ift.tt/34gMyyz
Little girl lands position as construction boss.
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young familyâs 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them âgems-in-the-roughâ more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars âpayâ sheâd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied: âI worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.â âOh my goodness gracious,â said the teller, âand will you be working on the house again this week, too?â The little girl replied, âI will if those lazy assholes from Loweâs ever deliver the fucking sheetrock.â
My wife just admitted to me that she broke my favorite lamp.
I donât think Iâll be able to look at her in the same light ever again.
What happens when you crash your fancy new car?
Your Mercedes bends
What do you call a drunk coffee?
Amerrycano.
Republicans trying to find just 1 witness willing to defend Trump’s innocence under oath
https://ift.tt/37jeC5j
I just lost an ice cube in the kitchen.
But I'm not worried, its just water under the fridge.
I read a lengthy article about Japanese sword fighters
It's okay I can Samurais it for you.
What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do on his free time?
He stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog.
Two clowns were eating a cannibal
One turns to the other and asks âdid I start the joke wrong?â
Whiteboards are remarkable.
No text found
Scientists definitively confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting coronavirus.
This is because they're filled with anty bodies.
What do Game of Thrones and The Sixth Sense have in common?
Icey dead people
Dad: so at the ball drop we all have to put our left leg in the air
Me: why Dad: so we can start the new year on the right foot! Me: why are you the way that you are
I was going to make a Corona virus joke
But I would feel guilty if anyone got it.
Comedian doing crowd work gets an answer he wasn’t ready for and handles it perfectly
https://youtu.be/rV8XhzG_rAg