Life finds a way…
who needs a certificate!
My professor makes us do this occasionally and it’s the worst thing ever.
My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 3 AM!
Can you believe that? Lucky for him I was still up playing the tuba.
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie. She asked, “What would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.” She said, “You pick.” I said, “I don’t care. You pick.” She said, “Sir, there are people behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
Working out = bad, smoking = good
Two wives went out for girls’ night.
Both got drunk, started walking home and had to go to the bathroom. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning, one husband calls the other and says, "No more girls' night out. My wife came back with no panties." "You think you have it bad?", says the other, "Mine came back with a card stuck in her crack that read from all of us at the fire station... we will never forget you."
According to users
Never date a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
Why doesn’t Oedipus swear?
Because he kisses his mother with that mouth
Sometimes I tell dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
Why can’t a man starve in the desert?
Because of all of the sand which is there.
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex…
He's a small arms dealer
A stormtrooper walks into a bar and orders a martini
The bartender asks while handing the stormtrooper his drink, "Shouldn't you not be drinking on the job?" The stormtrooper arches his eyebrow, "And hit what I'm aiming for?"
Found one in the wild
A young artist exhibits his work for the first time…
… and a well known art critic is in attendance. The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?" "Yes, " says the artist. "It's worthless," says the critic The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."
If Titanic sank today
What is the only fruit you can sit on?
What do you call a magic dog?
The Banana Programmer
By previously legalizing same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:
Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."
Feel bad for the people around him
Oops.. I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen records
Now I want to break three
Video games bad
Turkey day is a rally cry for boomer comics
The back of this cereal box had cutout “actual reality goggles”
js be like
My wife just left me for an Indian man.
I'm sure he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
Started reading a book in brail
Something terrible is about to happen I can feel it
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent
Ouch, it Burns
Karma Has a Great Sense of Humor
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it? professor: okay there is one stupid question.
Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car
a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens……. "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis".
Stolen from r/memes
I am dad now
This just happened at the dinner table. My Dad was talking about how he got up very early for work. The conversation went like this: Dad: “Man, I woke up way too early this morning and it completely threw me out of sync.” Me: “Well, why were you sleeping in the sink?” My Mom rolled her eyes. I am Dad now.
Found On A Response to a Canadian Who Had Choice Words For The president.
Ted Cruz patriotism and bravery! (old but gold)
I hate it when kids these days write “angle” instead of “angel.”
They are just trying to be edgy.
What do you call a teenage boy’s bedside diary?
But the emote is different you know
I’ve been saying “mucho” to my Spanish friend a lot more often lately
It means a lot to him
PHONES BAD, TECHNOLOGY BAD
“Mickey, it says here that you killed Minnie because she was ‘really silly’?”
"No", replies Mickey, "I said she was fucking Goofy."
Please don’t make pandemic jokes
They aren't funny unless everyone gets it
‘Concerned’ Senator Struggling to Walk After Losing Spine
volume set to e^πi
I don’t speak Spanish, but I can just tell.
One if the many things I somehow remember
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's time consuming.
Yet another “phone bad” post
Best advice for Trump: Be afraid, be very afraid.
Hits close to home
r/dadjokes: hello 14, hello deep, I'm dad
Green is my favourite colour. I love it even more than
Blue and Yellow combined
A son asks his dad, “Tell me a joke!”
And his dad replies, "Pussy!" The son tells him, "I don't get it…" And his dad says, "I know you don't."
Ahh those days…
Not really science but kinda science
Enzyme meme hahaha
Non-essential employee then proceeds to exacerbate crisis by speaking and toilet tweeting
Protesters were out of bounds