Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn't last long for fat people
Boobs are like the sun
You can only stare at them for a few seconds . But if you put sunglasses on, you can stare at them all you want.
There once was a Native American who had only one testicle…
There once was a Native American who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, Then he made love to her all day, Made love to her all night, Made love to her all the next day, Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! Why ??? . . . . . . . . You can't kill Two Birds With OneStone!!!
When I was a child I had a condition where I had to eat mud three times a day in order to survive…
It’s lucky my older brother told me about it, really.
Fred is a hippo who went to University where everyone is a hippo
One day, someone asked him where the medical building was, Fred replied, "it's over there and to the left. I do research on the brain in there." Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.
I bought a car that can only be driven when the leaves are brown…
It's an autumn mobile.
Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth?
It’s pasteurized before you even see it.
Told my friend I wanted a cup of coffee.
He said, "One sugar?" I said, "Yes, just the one cup. And don't call me sugar."
ation.
https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/ap9gqf/i_have_a_phd_in_procrastin/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app
I ordered some wonton soup at a Chinese restaurant, but it seems they misunderstood my order.
So I guess I'm opening up a soup kitchen.
It makes sense that Minecraft appeals to kids.
I mean, they are Minors.
Australians don’t have sex
Australians mate
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That's when I went to Yale. Interviewer: Thats pretty impressive. You're hired. Me: Thank you, I really need this Yob.
I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she’s sleeping ..
…and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects
An Englishman, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer.
The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded: "Yes" "Oui" "Sì" "Ja"
Chicken walks into a bar
Bartender says "Wrong joke, yours is across the road"
Why do Americans go fishing with guns?
Because a group of fish is called a school.
How do you catch a Polar Bear?
Well, first you need a nice ice fishing spot and some peas. Once you have those, you cut a hole in the ice, then make a trail of peas leading away from it. So, when the polar bear goes to take pea, you kick it in the ice hole!
I love telling dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids.
I guess that makes me a faux pa.
What did the tailor give to the lawyer?
A lawsuit!!
They’re banning phones in my school, my teacher was laughing her ass off at this
https://ift.tt/2TTqdCz
I’ve been shrunken down to the size of a data cell and shoved into an iPod.
It would appear I'm in a bit of a jam.
Wanna hear a feminist joke?
Me too.
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
I don’t understand how Australians can be homophonic.
I mean, G’day is just gay with a d rammed into it.
Whoever stole my antidepressants..
I hope you're happy now.
Why aren’t koalas considered real bears?
Because they don't have the right koalafications
It takes me 10 minutes to walk to the bar, but an hour to walk home.
The difference is staggering.
A bee keeper walks into a pet store
He asked the person at the counter for 12 bees. After walking out the store, he notices that he's been given 13 bees by accident. He walks back in and says “there has been an accident, and you’ve given me 13 bees.” The Shopkeeper says "No mistake sir, that one is a freebie!"
My son is now at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.
You should invest in these stocks:
Chicken, vegetable, and beef. You’ll be a bouillonaire in no time.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
How to tell the gender of an ant?
If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats…
![[Satire] some good advice here](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/c6qJWVy-400x206.jpg)
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good – I ain't got any kids!"