Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn't last long for fat people
You can only stare at them for a few seconds . But if you put sunglasses on, you can stare at them all you want.
There once was a Native American who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, Then he made love to her all day, Made love to her all night, Made love to her all the next day, Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! Why ??? . . . . . . . . You can't kill Two Birds With OneStone!!!
It’s lucky my older brother told me about it, really.
One day, someone asked him where the medical building was, Fred replied, "it's over there and to the left. I do research on the brain in there." Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.
It's an autumn mobile.
It’s pasteurized before you even see it.
He said, "One sugar?" I said, "Yes, just the one cup. And don't call me sugar."
So I guess I'm opening up a soup kitchen.
I mean, they are Minors.
Me: That's when I went to Yale. Interviewer: Thats pretty impressive. You're hired. Me: Thank you, I really need this Yob.
I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she’s sleeping ..
…and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects
An Englishman, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer.
The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded: "Yes" "Oui" "Sì" "Ja"
Bartender says "Wrong joke, yours is across the road"
Because a group of fish is called a school.
Well, first you need a nice ice fishing spot and some peas. Once you have those, you cut a hole in the ice, then make a trail of peas leading away from it. So, when the polar bear goes to take pea, you kick it in the ice hole!
I guess that makes me a faux pa.
It would appear I'm in a bit of a jam.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
I mean, G’day is just gay with a d rammed into it.
I hope you're happy now.
Because they don't have the right koalafications
The difference is staggering.
He asked the person at the counter for 12 bees. After walking out the store, he notices that he's been given 13 bees by accident. He walks back in and says “there has been an accident, and you’ve given me 13 bees.” The Shopkeeper says "No mistake sir, that one is a freebie!"
I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Chicken, vegetable, and beef. You’ll be a bouillonaire in no time.
If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats…
I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good – I ain't got any kids!"