Life savings online good. Voting, not so much…got it!
A few minutes ago, my wife turned to me and whispered, “I want u so badly.”
We are playing Scrabble, and she has a Q that she can’t get rid off.
A woman was in bed with 3 men when her husband came home.
One of them hid in the closet, the second one went under the bed, and the third one went to the balcony. After a while, the one under the bed came out and said: "OK, madam, your bed is fixed now." She told her husband that she called this guy to repair one of the legs of the bed. The husband thanks him and gives him money. Later, the one in the closet steps out and says "Now, your drawers are working properly." The husband thanks him too and gives him money. The one in the balcony, who saw everything but did not hear anything, came out with great excitement and said: "I fucked her too."
What’s the most nerdy dinosaur?
A thesaurus.
#textblob #python #translator Spell Checker & Languages Translator pro…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcgtoxRXnRk&feature=share
The salesman asked me , “so which mattress do you want?”.
I said , “it’s a big decision, I need to sleep on it”.
This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.
The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk "I want you to pace yourself. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me, a lot of money; consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun, "the farmer said, with a chuckle. Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house – three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again – WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says "Shhhh, they're getting closer!"
A 3-month pregnant woman into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakens and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they’re fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh, no! Not my brother! He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Oh, well that’s not so bad. What did he name the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
Whats the difference between running in front of a car and running after a car?
When you run after the car, you get exhausted. If you run in front of it, you'll get tired.
Why do the Hong Kong police get up early in the morning?
To beat the crowds.
Why did the teddy bear say “no” to dessert?
Because she was stuffed.
How do pickles celebrate their cake day?
They relish the moment.
*Knock knock* “who is there?”
"Doris" "Doris who?" "Doris locked, that's why im knocking."
Why do less marriages take place in winter
Because most of the brides get cold feet.
The King of Spain is now quarantined on his jet
The Reign in Spain will stay mainly on his plane.
I got food poisoning at a German festival
It was the wurst.
This one is a little bit political,I hope that doesn’t break any rules
Taiwan:I am China China:No I am China Taiwan:Ok then I am Taiwan China:No you are China
A man died and was waiting in line to get into Heaven.
He was third in line, and overheard St. Peter talking to the other souls. "What were you in life?" St. Peter asked of one man. "I was a personal injury lawyer," came the reply. "Well, come with me," said St. Peter. "I will show you to your quarters." And St. Peter led the man to a sumptuous palace, more glorious than anything on earth. St. Peter returned to the line, and asked the next man what he did in life. The man replied, "In life, I was Pope John Paul II." St. Peter said, "Let me show you to your quarters," and led the Pontiff to a tiny shack made of the crudest materials imaginable. When St. Peter returned to the line, the man started shouting. "That isn't fair! That was the Pope, and you put him in a terrible house, while some nobody of a lawyer gets the finest palace imaginable! This just doesn't seem right." St. Peter shrugged his shoulders. "What can I say? We've got hundreds of popes up here. It's the first lawyer we've ever had."
What do you call 5 black guys having sex in 1789?
A threesome.
Set you Wifi password to 244466666
So you can say the password is 123456.
I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions !
My credit card number My social security number Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
Why is it so difficult for a T-Rex to masturbate?
Because they're extinct.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. “Do you mind waiting for a bit?” The manager asked. “Not at all” I replied.
“Good, take these lasagnas to table 6” he said.
Her: I’m pregnant.
Me: Are you kidding?? Her: Technically, Yes.
I got in touch with my inner self today.
That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.
